It has been ages since I have managed to get back to people who have been trying to get in touch to see how I've been doing over the past few weeks. Fortunately, there are other lines of communication open so they knew I was still alive, but there is something very satisfying in hearing directly from someone rather than merely about them, so yesterday I finally managed to email a friend who has been trying to call for quite awhile during this time of my not feeling like dealing with much more than I absolutely had to and then, this evening, I also called my brother back, who I had not realized was really very concerned about me and not hearing back from me all this time.
Mike sounded really tired. I hope I am able to see him sometime soon. It has been several weeks now that I have been able only to speak with him on the phone instead of seeing him to take him out to lunch and chat. I hope his health has not been in some sort of a decline while I have been trying to get through all of this surgery and other stuff. My niece's Dad lost his Mom the other day and, although she did not know her "other" grandmother very well, I am sure the loss will register over time. It seems our extended family, not just our immediate one, cannot make it through life with only one crisis in tow at a time. My heart's prayers, right now, are that Mike's health is not at the point where we may have to say another much too early "good-bye" yet again. We are all too well acquainted with grief.
After another day of resting the change in medication seems to have had the needed/hoped for effect in that the fevers and chills cycle that seemed to be developing has ceased and I am feeling much, much better. It's such a relief to realize it was "only" the medication rather than an infection the medication was not addressing! Huge relief on that front, now on to the rest - next surgery, June 9th (at present).
To Mike
You had the most beautiful brown eyes
Bigger than eternity in your small, handsome face
The curiosity and wonder
Brightening the color and expression
As your great mind grasped hold of so much more
Than your older sister's far simpler brain could manage
You saw the Universe through different eyes
Understood God in different ways
And knew I was worth the time to encourage
To read some of your favorite books
Although you seemed determined to always
Keep me in a lower place
At least that was how it seemed to me
It seems the roles are somewhat reversed these days
I would welcome a return
If I knew you could be whole again
My younger brother with the mind of wonder and fury
And your intelligence that always left me
Feeling an awe I cannot, even now, fully express.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Monday, May 25, 2009
The Rest of the Lessons
I managed to track down the two remaining stories I liked and wanted to share here with anyone who might wander this way. I thought about being coy and just leaving the points I wanted to bring out hidden within the text of the first, but have decided to italicize instead, since the point I felt the story makes is not the punchline but found within the body of the joke itself. I also discovered that both of my favorite tales are really quite popular and have already received quite a lot of attention on many, many sites on the internet already - it's good to know I am not the only one with a sense of humor or (I hope!) the perspective I am hoping to convey here:
IS HELL ENDOTHERMIC OR EXOTHERMIC?
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
A Talk With God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
I hope the humor as well as the profundity I have found in these stories is also evident to any others reading them here. May you also be blessed by them as I feel I have been in that the lessons in forgiveness and tolerence, Divine perspective versus that of the merely human, does seem to shine through in these three short tales - at least for me.
The cardinal is calling his territorial area in the backyard, guarding ahead of time his nestlings and mate who may not yet be present. He is a bright glint of red in an ever more beautiful Spring and the bright sun and blue sky also gladen the day with their warmth, light, and call to freedom from the merely earth-bound. My spirit may soar even if my feet must remain firmly attached here on our small planet; our small plot of land floating in its endless universe alone. Surely that fact alone should be enough to convince us to put down the guns and bombs and choose to embrace one another as brothers and sisters instead of constantly bickering enemies always searching for more reasons to continue to hate one another.
Izzlebug
P.S. Instead of finding reasons to condemn today, which are very easy to come by, try to find reasons to forgive, reasons to grant clemency, a reason not to kill, not to demand power, not to give in to the fear or a vicious religious dogma that would take the life of someone who is loved and rend your own soul in the process as well. Curse them, if you must, but leave them corporeally unharmed and allow yourself to wake up tomorrow knowing that salvation is still possible and they are truly in the hands of God Himself instead of beyond all hope and redemption.
IS HELL ENDOTHERMIC OR EXOTHERMIC?
Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:
1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."
The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.
A Talk With God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."
I hope the humor as well as the profundity I have found in these stories is also evident to any others reading them here. May you also be blessed by them as I feel I have been in that the lessons in forgiveness and tolerence, Divine perspective versus that of the merely human, does seem to shine through in these three short tales - at least for me.
The cardinal is calling his territorial area in the backyard, guarding ahead of time his nestlings and mate who may not yet be present. He is a bright glint of red in an ever more beautiful Spring and the bright sun and blue sky also gladen the day with their warmth, light, and call to freedom from the merely earth-bound. My spirit may soar even if my feet must remain firmly attached here on our small planet; our small plot of land floating in its endless universe alone. Surely that fact alone should be enough to convince us to put down the guns and bombs and choose to embrace one another as brothers and sisters instead of constantly bickering enemies always searching for more reasons to continue to hate one another.
Izzlebug
P.S. Instead of finding reasons to condemn today, which are very easy to come by, try to find reasons to forgive, reasons to grant clemency, a reason not to kill, not to demand power, not to give in to the fear or a vicious religious dogma that would take the life of someone who is loved and rend your own soul in the process as well. Curse them, if you must, but leave them corporeally unharmed and allow yourself to wake up tomorrow knowing that salvation is still possible and they are truly in the hands of God Himself instead of beyond all hope and redemption.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
A Couple of Modern Homilies
A man living in a small town that had become suddenly flooded was forced to seek refuge upon the roof of his house. During the time he was there he prayed almost continuously to God to come and rescue him. During the course of his prayers he heard a thump against the side of the house and, looking over the edge, saw a small boat with a life jacket rocking gently in the flood waters. He debated whether to get into the boat, but decided it would be too dangerous. Besides, God was going to rescue him, of that he was certain. He had faith. Later on, perhaps an hour or so, while the flood waters climbed slowly higher, a police launch happened by filled with people heading for safety. The driver of the launch got as close to the man's house as he could and encouraged him to climb aboard. The man thought about it and decided it would be too dangerous to try to board the launch with the rising flood waters raging beneath him, so he declined saying, "No thank you. I know that God is going to rescue me and He wouldn't place me in such danger to do so. So I'll wait." The police launch left the man behind, getting all of its passengers to safety. The flood was now reaching critical stage and the man barely had any roof left to stand upon and he was becoming frantic in his prayers. Suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, he saw a helicopter appear over him. The crew lowered the basket for the man to get into but, again, it seemed to hazardous an undertaking, so he declined the help, stating as before his belief that God was going to rescue him. The helicopter crew persisted, however, and spent close to an hour trying to convince the man to come aboard before they had to leave because they were running out of fuel. The man, left thus alone, sat praying and saying to himself, "Surely God will not let me die here. He will come and rescue me." The flood waters swirled and peaked, overwhelming the roof of the man's house and sweeping him into a vortex of incredible power. He was dead in moments. It was some time later, he did not know how long, that the man awakened to find himself in Heaven at the proverbial Pearly Gates and in the presence of none other than God Himself. God said, "Welcome, my son!" The man replied, "God how come you let me drown in that flood? I was so certain you were going to rescue me!" God replied, "My son, I tried. I sent you a rowboat, a police launch, and a rescue helicopter."(author unknown)
There are a couple of other little tales that I feel have merit as modern homilies that I want to track down and include here. None are original to me but because I am recording more from memory than a more usual resource they will appear in a somewhat altered state. This is not a deliberate attempt on my part to usurp the intellectual property of another or to plagerize on someone else's writing. Because of the wisdom I have found within the humor in the above story, as well as the other two I still want to share here, I am going to risk the dearth of accurate information and hope someone will send me the necessary information as to original authors, etc. if I am unable to track it down on my own. All of the stories have to do with the perspectives from which we choose to view God and poke a little fun at the thought of how God, perhaps, may choose to view us.
Blessings and much love,
Izzlebug
There are a couple of other little tales that I feel have merit as modern homilies that I want to track down and include here. None are original to me but because I am recording more from memory than a more usual resource they will appear in a somewhat altered state. This is not a deliberate attempt on my part to usurp the intellectual property of another or to plagerize on someone else's writing. Because of the wisdom I have found within the humor in the above story, as well as the other two I still want to share here, I am going to risk the dearth of accurate information and hope someone will send me the necessary information as to original authors, etc. if I am unable to track it down on my own. All of the stories have to do with the perspectives from which we choose to view God and poke a little fun at the thought of how God, perhaps, may choose to view us.
Blessings and much love,
Izzlebug
When The Cure May Be Worse Than The Disease
Last night was not much fun as we landed in the emergency room again for several hours. At least this time I got to head home instead of being admitted to the hospital. The problem, likely caused by the antibiotic I was on for the infection in my chest area, was that I keep spiking fevers, which then break in floods of sweating only to start all over again once I've cooled down. Apparently sulfa drugs can do this sometimes - a good thing to take note of for future reference - and I have been placed on a different antibiotic and am waiting hopefully (while sweating rather profusely at the moment) for the symptoms to subside. All of the blood work and cultures have come back negative so far this time, so maybe the change in medication is all that is necessary - I'm crossing my fingers that this is the case!
On other fronts, I noticed that MSN had an article about the terrible dearth of health care available to women in Iraq due to gender issues. This is fundamentalism gone haywire and, much like the Christian fundamentalism that encourages similar outrages here in the United States, really needs to stop - a project of many years, if not decades, I am sure. Everything that does not, or absolutely refuses to, evolve, whether a society, a culture, a religion, or an organism, is doomed to extinction with a lot of very painful contortions along the way. I truly hope the Muslim population of the Middle East is able to make this transition into modernity with fewer casualties than it seems they are currently experiencing.
It seems unconscionable that one nation, specifically the US, should have such good health care and low infant mortality rates, while there are other nations with so many difficulties keeping the mothers alive much less the infants and where health care seems to be directed more by religious dogma and prejudice than common sense and necessity. The religious leaders in these places need to take a long, hard look at the grave disservice they are doing to their nations and the people who follow them by promoting ignorance and fear. I am not advocating a wholesale - or rapid - change into a US type of democracy in order to advance better health care, but the rules that forbid male-female contact within a medical context to the point of costing lives and the villifying of those who choose to pursue careers in the health care industry really needs to stop!
In saying all of this I can imagine how frightening it must be to look ahead from a place of tradition and a known set of rules and see things that appear so foreign and threatening to one's beliefs, especially when those threats come robed in the hope of better lives and better health care. I also know that hospitals can get to be pretty frisky places on occasion - stress will do that to a person's mind - and that does not help the situation either. However, and I put this question to the religious leaders of the Middle East, would you rather allow proper and expert health care and then have to deal with the potentially resulting crises of conscience following, or continue to bury more mothers, infants, and children than you need to due to a refusal to deal with your own humanity? Keep your hands and souls tied so tightly there is no hope of a very real and possible salvation of lives or allow just enough of a relaxation of the rules and traditions to permit the health care that is so crucial to the well-being of your nations to take place unhampered? It is part of the evolving thing. Yes, it is something of a trade off and I am sure more of a compromise than most fundamentalists of any faith would choose to make, yet I am talking entire nations of people - millions of people - and not merely a few select individuals. What is best, in the long term, for those millions?
My heart goes out to the Middle Eastern nations as they struggle with such issues, especially the religious ones, as I have had some small experiences struggling in that area myself (fundamental, born-again, etc., etc., Christianity) and I know how difficult it is on a personal level to deal with your own imperfections and struggles in the face of a perfect and obdurate diety who seems to require everything and delivers little or nothing very tangible in a humanly real sense (I am not advocating apostasy, merely grousing my grouse about the seeming lack of miraculous happenings from on high). I also have had my struggles with the miseries of this life and the "hope" of the life to come (i.e. "heaven"), although those have largely ceased in that I have found both my Heaven and my Hell here on this earth. All of my worst moments and deepest pains have taken place here, yet I have also found my Heaven here as well. The blessings of a beautiful day, the delicacy of color and markings of the New England birds visiting our deck, the wild flowers blooming along the highways the irridesence found in the wings of the tiniest of insects, the detail and intricate construction of the leaf of a tree or a blade of wild grass or the petal of a flower, the love of those whom I cherish, the smile of my niece when she finds something I've said funny, seeing the care and concern given to the patients in the hospital primarily by the nursing and support staff during my recent stays there; all of these things convince me that, at least for me, my Heaven is to be found here and I want no other.
Perhaps, as I refuse to place my hopes on an intangible something that remains forever nebulous, perhaps that does make me apostate, but it cannot cause me to be any less grateful to the God who created the things that populate my Heaven. Nor can it diminish the power of the love I have given and, in turn, received over the years, the pain that comes from having loved so much when loss is experienced, or the hope that same love gives as healing takes place and the sun begins to brighten once again following pain. Perhaps I am one of the fools who "rush in where angels fear to tread," but I am seldom sorry I have ventured forth into such places of the heart and mind.
I wonder what St. Augustine might have had to say...
Izzlebug
On other fronts, I noticed that MSN had an article about the terrible dearth of health care available to women in Iraq due to gender issues. This is fundamentalism gone haywire and, much like the Christian fundamentalism that encourages similar outrages here in the United States, really needs to stop - a project of many years, if not decades, I am sure. Everything that does not, or absolutely refuses to, evolve, whether a society, a culture, a religion, or an organism, is doomed to extinction with a lot of very painful contortions along the way. I truly hope the Muslim population of the Middle East is able to make this transition into modernity with fewer casualties than it seems they are currently experiencing.
It seems unconscionable that one nation, specifically the US, should have such good health care and low infant mortality rates, while there are other nations with so many difficulties keeping the mothers alive much less the infants and where health care seems to be directed more by religious dogma and prejudice than common sense and necessity. The religious leaders in these places need to take a long, hard look at the grave disservice they are doing to their nations and the people who follow them by promoting ignorance and fear. I am not advocating a wholesale - or rapid - change into a US type of democracy in order to advance better health care, but the rules that forbid male-female contact within a medical context to the point of costing lives and the villifying of those who choose to pursue careers in the health care industry really needs to stop!
In saying all of this I can imagine how frightening it must be to look ahead from a place of tradition and a known set of rules and see things that appear so foreign and threatening to one's beliefs, especially when those threats come robed in the hope of better lives and better health care. I also know that hospitals can get to be pretty frisky places on occasion - stress will do that to a person's mind - and that does not help the situation either. However, and I put this question to the religious leaders of the Middle East, would you rather allow proper and expert health care and then have to deal with the potentially resulting crises of conscience following, or continue to bury more mothers, infants, and children than you need to due to a refusal to deal with your own humanity? Keep your hands and souls tied so tightly there is no hope of a very real and possible salvation of lives or allow just enough of a relaxation of the rules and traditions to permit the health care that is so crucial to the well-being of your nations to take place unhampered? It is part of the evolving thing. Yes, it is something of a trade off and I am sure more of a compromise than most fundamentalists of any faith would choose to make, yet I am talking entire nations of people - millions of people - and not merely a few select individuals. What is best, in the long term, for those millions?
My heart goes out to the Middle Eastern nations as they struggle with such issues, especially the religious ones, as I have had some small experiences struggling in that area myself (fundamental, born-again, etc., etc., Christianity) and I know how difficult it is on a personal level to deal with your own imperfections and struggles in the face of a perfect and obdurate diety who seems to require everything and delivers little or nothing very tangible in a humanly real sense (I am not advocating apostasy, merely grousing my grouse about the seeming lack of miraculous happenings from on high). I also have had my struggles with the miseries of this life and the "hope" of the life to come (i.e. "heaven"), although those have largely ceased in that I have found both my Heaven and my Hell here on this earth. All of my worst moments and deepest pains have taken place here, yet I have also found my Heaven here as well. The blessings of a beautiful day, the delicacy of color and markings of the New England birds visiting our deck, the wild flowers blooming along the highways the irridesence found in the wings of the tiniest of insects, the detail and intricate construction of the leaf of a tree or a blade of wild grass or the petal of a flower, the love of those whom I cherish, the smile of my niece when she finds something I've said funny, seeing the care and concern given to the patients in the hospital primarily by the nursing and support staff during my recent stays there; all of these things convince me that, at least for me, my Heaven is to be found here and I want no other.
Perhaps, as I refuse to place my hopes on an intangible something that remains forever nebulous, perhaps that does make me apostate, but it cannot cause me to be any less grateful to the God who created the things that populate my Heaven. Nor can it diminish the power of the love I have given and, in turn, received over the years, the pain that comes from having loved so much when loss is experienced, or the hope that same love gives as healing takes place and the sun begins to brighten once again following pain. Perhaps I am one of the fools who "rush in where angels fear to tread," but I am seldom sorry I have ventured forth into such places of the heart and mind.
I wonder what St. Augustine might have had to say...
Izzlebug
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Another Load of Life
At last! I and my blog are together again! I am in raptures!
Not long after my last blog entry, things started to go downhill. By the 8th of May I had developed an infection (not of the surgical site) that caused a fever of 102.8F, and landed me in the hospital where, as it turned out, I also had an infection in the right side of my chest, although it was not the reason for the fever. I spent the weekend snuggled up to IV lines full of various antibiotics and then, on Tuesday, had to go in for surgery to remove the tissue expanders and the infection and to place drains into the area again. (One of my surgical drains had fallen out while I was in the ER - sigh!) I would like to note here that this is, according to my surgeons, an unusual occurance for this type of surgery so it would not be right to anticipate such things if anyone reading this might be approaching their own mastectomy surgery or surgeries. It was a combination of some confusions on my part, some miscommunication (not a lot, though), and adverse circumstances due to my own physical condition, weight issues, etc. I finally got to come home yesterday, after a nine-day hospital stay, and am feeling so much better!!!
A hospital can be both an interesting and a frightening place to be. With the advent of this infection and all that attended it, it felt as if all of the efforts, both counseling and medicinal, that have gone into helping me get my head together and my life on track, were blown completely out of the window for a day or two (or three or four!). It was no fun for me to have to revisit thoughts and emotions I had considered, with tremendous relief, as something now left in my past. It had never occured to me that the stresses from the surgeries and the infections and the hospital stays might put me back into a mind set I had struggled so hard to be free of, having failed to overcome on my own, and then, finally with the help of several people with the training and expertise to do so, was finally stepping away from and into a slowly growing anticipation for better things to come in my life. So that was yet another blow. Fortunately talking to some of the on-call people from the psychiatry department and the chaplains' office, as well as several very kind and understanding nurses, some long-suffering (young) physicians (and one mildly traumatized male nursing assistant who looked as though his grandmother had dropped her drawers in front of him), helped ease that difficulty and I feel little more myself, a little more back in control, but also a little more fragile in certain ways, than before this second episode in my saga of cancer and surgery took place.
Finally returning home was a treat like few others. Yes, all the clutter and mess are still here - I am not yet able to deal with it and my sweetie-pie's housekeeping skills, though very willing and energetic, are not quite from the same school mine developed in. The cats still urp on the rug and track litter, there are still book-eating beetles, flying, nasty, bitey, little bigs here and there, etc., etc., etc. But it is good to be back. Supposedly toddlers and pussycats do not retain certain types of memories for more more than a given span of time. This means that a young child whose mother goes away for two weeks will not necessarily recall her when she returns. With cats, this span of time is only supposed to be about a half an hour. I beg to differ, at least about the cats. All of our cats knew exactly who I was when I came in the door after nine days away. They all knew my voice. They all came over to say "Hello," and they certainly remembered their special "snuggle configurations" that we have developed over our years together. I will have to be more cautious this time around, take more precautions; I do not want to have to endure another infection right now, especially not with another surgery and the strong likelihood of chemotherapy looming. I am hoping that further treatment will proceed without any more complications so we may all put this episode behind us and get on with our lives. I also hope there is sunshine ahead, instead of clouds.
Hopefully, whatever the source of these infections, they will never recur and where ever I was exposed to them can be determined and dealt with before too many other people fall prey to them as I did. It is not so much the more private venues of potential exposure that worry me in that they are a little more under control than the more public venues. I was driving before I was supposed to be in order to make appointments I could not otherwise have gotten to and, during those excursions, stopped to run a brief errand, perhaps a quick stop at a local department store for a prescription or a local supermarket for a few easy-to-fix food items. I also had visiting nurses checking on me and the thought that any of those situations might have yielded an exposure to the organisms causing the problems I went through, or wondering if it was something lurking here at home, is a matter of concern. I certainly hope the contagion never got past me to anyone else.
It feels so good to be back at the keyboard and back at my blog, but I am going to wrap this one up now - it's already way too long!
Blessings, joy, peace, love, and commitments that do you good to all who find their way to my humble home.
Izzlebug
Not long after my last blog entry, things started to go downhill. By the 8th of May I had developed an infection (not of the surgical site) that caused a fever of 102.8F, and landed me in the hospital where, as it turned out, I also had an infection in the right side of my chest, although it was not the reason for the fever. I spent the weekend snuggled up to IV lines full of various antibiotics and then, on Tuesday, had to go in for surgery to remove the tissue expanders and the infection and to place drains into the area again. (One of my surgical drains had fallen out while I was in the ER - sigh!) I would like to note here that this is, according to my surgeons, an unusual occurance for this type of surgery so it would not be right to anticipate such things if anyone reading this might be approaching their own mastectomy surgery or surgeries. It was a combination of some confusions on my part, some miscommunication (not a lot, though), and adverse circumstances due to my own physical condition, weight issues, etc. I finally got to come home yesterday, after a nine-day hospital stay, and am feeling so much better!!!
A hospital can be both an interesting and a frightening place to be. With the advent of this infection and all that attended it, it felt as if all of the efforts, both counseling and medicinal, that have gone into helping me get my head together and my life on track, were blown completely out of the window for a day or two (or three or four!). It was no fun for me to have to revisit thoughts and emotions I had considered, with tremendous relief, as something now left in my past. It had never occured to me that the stresses from the surgeries and the infections and the hospital stays might put me back into a mind set I had struggled so hard to be free of, having failed to overcome on my own, and then, finally with the help of several people with the training and expertise to do so, was finally stepping away from and into a slowly growing anticipation for better things to come in my life. So that was yet another blow. Fortunately talking to some of the on-call people from the psychiatry department and the chaplains' office, as well as several very kind and understanding nurses, some long-suffering (young) physicians (and one mildly traumatized male nursing assistant who looked as though his grandmother had dropped her drawers in front of him), helped ease that difficulty and I feel little more myself, a little more back in control, but also a little more fragile in certain ways, than before this second episode in my saga of cancer and surgery took place.
Finally returning home was a treat like few others. Yes, all the clutter and mess are still here - I am not yet able to deal with it and my sweetie-pie's housekeeping skills, though very willing and energetic, are not quite from the same school mine developed in. The cats still urp on the rug and track litter, there are still book-eating beetles, flying, nasty, bitey, little bigs here and there, etc., etc., etc. But it is good to be back. Supposedly toddlers and pussycats do not retain certain types of memories for more more than a given span of time. This means that a young child whose mother goes away for two weeks will not necessarily recall her when she returns. With cats, this span of time is only supposed to be about a half an hour. I beg to differ, at least about the cats. All of our cats knew exactly who I was when I came in the door after nine days away. They all knew my voice. They all came over to say "Hello," and they certainly remembered their special "snuggle configurations" that we have developed over our years together. I will have to be more cautious this time around, take more precautions; I do not want to have to endure another infection right now, especially not with another surgery and the strong likelihood of chemotherapy looming. I am hoping that further treatment will proceed without any more complications so we may all put this episode behind us and get on with our lives. I also hope there is sunshine ahead, instead of clouds.
Hopefully, whatever the source of these infections, they will never recur and where ever I was exposed to them can be determined and dealt with before too many other people fall prey to them as I did. It is not so much the more private venues of potential exposure that worry me in that they are a little more under control than the more public venues. I was driving before I was supposed to be in order to make appointments I could not otherwise have gotten to and, during those excursions, stopped to run a brief errand, perhaps a quick stop at a local department store for a prescription or a local supermarket for a few easy-to-fix food items. I also had visiting nurses checking on me and the thought that any of those situations might have yielded an exposure to the organisms causing the problems I went through, or wondering if it was something lurking here at home, is a matter of concern. I certainly hope the contagion never got past me to anyone else.
It feels so good to be back at the keyboard and back at my blog, but I am going to wrap this one up now - it's already way too long!
Blessings, joy, peace, love, and commitments that do you good to all who find their way to my humble home.
Izzlebug
Friday, May 01, 2009
One Step At A Time
Though still stiff and sore following the surgery, I am doing a lot better. I am minus two breasts, ten lymph nodes (five from each side), and one three to four centimeter cancerous tumour. Due to the size of the thing I may still end up having to go through chemo but will not know absolutely for certain for several more days when I will be seeing the medical oncologist. I will also be having further surgery to remove ovaries and fallopian tubes as they are also falling victim to the same causes for the breast cancer. To say my life has not been much fun lately is understating things a bit, but there are some small compensations along the way such as friends calling to say a special "Hello," get well cards arriving at odd intervals, and my sweetie pie doing his utmost to help me out despite the total lack of fun in his own life at the moment ( a lot of that because of what's happening with me).
I am glad this happened with the advent of Spring instead of the grey of Winter. There is no ice to deal with when walking back and forth to the car and the flowers and trees blooming all over the place, as well as the bright return of the gold finches and other seasonal residents, has afforded me many enjoyable moments while traveling between home and hospital. Our families also seem to be in a state of reasonably good health and calm emotions for the interim which allows the two of us to concentrate upon dealing with the issues at hand.
"She-Who-Declines-To-Be-Named" has returned home with our niece after traveling many hours, and arduous journey across deserts and timelines, to be with me during the worst of this ordeal, and is hoping to return later on when the next surgery is closer at hand to spend some more time with me and with our niece. Our niece is usually quite happy to have her other auntie visit because, as she recently informed me, I am absolutely the "most boring" of all of her aunties. At least I will be remembered for something.
My activities are still limited because of waiting for the removal of surgical drains which have pretty much been grossing me out from the get go. Seeing the last of those will not cause me any regrets whatsoever although it will likely be quite awhile before I will be able to face a rare steak for dinner, especially a really juicy one.
I still find I am easily tired by not a lot of activity and that holding the telephone uses more chest muscles than one might expect. So I am napping often, sometimes due to the physical stresses but still once in a while due to the emotional stresses, but not as often as I was immediately following my surgery.
So much for that update. I wish I had more of interest to report but, as I am hoping to somehow provide some smattering of potentially useful information for others who may find themselves in similar circumstances, I plod on.
My brother called earlier today. He sounded weary, but cheerful. I think the loss of our younger sister and then my illness on top of that have taken more of a toll on him than we may realize. I only hope, not only for my sake but also for the sake of my family, that my recovery is full and uneventful. I really do not want to find out how much more we can take before we finally crumble into dust and blow away our tears all spent.
I.
I am glad this happened with the advent of Spring instead of the grey of Winter. There is no ice to deal with when walking back and forth to the car and the flowers and trees blooming all over the place, as well as the bright return of the gold finches and other seasonal residents, has afforded me many enjoyable moments while traveling between home and hospital. Our families also seem to be in a state of reasonably good health and calm emotions for the interim which allows the two of us to concentrate upon dealing with the issues at hand.
"She-Who-Declines-To-Be-Named" has returned home with our niece after traveling many hours, and arduous journey across deserts and timelines, to be with me during the worst of this ordeal, and is hoping to return later on when the next surgery is closer at hand to spend some more time with me and with our niece. Our niece is usually quite happy to have her other auntie visit because, as she recently informed me, I am absolutely the "most boring" of all of her aunties. At least I will be remembered for something.
My activities are still limited because of waiting for the removal of surgical drains which have pretty much been grossing me out from the get go. Seeing the last of those will not cause me any regrets whatsoever although it will likely be quite awhile before I will be able to face a rare steak for dinner, especially a really juicy one.
I still find I am easily tired by not a lot of activity and that holding the telephone uses more chest muscles than one might expect. So I am napping often, sometimes due to the physical stresses but still once in a while due to the emotional stresses, but not as often as I was immediately following my surgery.
So much for that update. I wish I had more of interest to report but, as I am hoping to somehow provide some smattering of potentially useful information for others who may find themselves in similar circumstances, I plod on.
My brother called earlier today. He sounded weary, but cheerful. I think the loss of our younger sister and then my illness on top of that have taken more of a toll on him than we may realize. I only hope, not only for my sake but also for the sake of my family, that my recovery is full and uneventful. I really do not want to find out how much more we can take before we finally crumble into dust and blow away our tears all spent.
I.
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