The day of my Aunt's funeral service, my sweetie pie and I ended up going in to the emergency room, sent there by his general practioner's PA. It is probably just as well that I was unable to make it to the service, etc. as I have been really weepy and blue lately and would have been even more miserable had I gone to her funeral service (her burial will be later this Spring and I am hoping to make it to that, at least). And, to top it all off, we still are not sure just what is going on with my significant other's medical condition!!! Is "bummer" really a word?
There has also been some more "Oh, goodie!" news regarding my health, although nothing quite so upsetting as that of my partner in crime. The "doctors" (the names and specialties vary and change accordingly) have determined that I have a very, very little, tiny bit of scoliosis in my spine. The physician I spoke to did not believe it has been the cause of any of my back pain issues and it likely does not need any type of treatment at all, which is just fine with me, but it does explain why I have, now and then, felt as though I was listing to the left a little - because I was! The second "new" discovery is that I may have (please note the mention of possibility rather than the statement of fact here), maybe, fibromyalgia. Blahhh! It might explain a lot of my pain, but it does not seem to me that I have the same issues you hear about in the ads for Lyrica, and such, so I am feeling somewhat sceptical, but will try to keep an open mind and see how things play out.
It would be wonderful to have something really, really positive happen once in awhile: "Congratulations! You just won the lottery!; etc. (I'm too tired to come up with much of anything else right now.) At least Spring has arrived despite the direction my life always seems to be heading - an almost constant downward spiral trailing off into an infinite wasteland of woe - a bit prosey, perhaps, but it felt good to type it all out and just be a little ridiculous for the moment.
I missed my second group meeting (the depression work group) because it was the same day as the emergency room visit and my Aunt's funeral service. I did, however, make it to the third meeting and it really does seem that I will be learning some very valuable things about how to cope with depression and depressive thinking patterns. Hopefully I will not miss any further meetings as there are only eight in total. Some of the other members of the group seemed a little perkier this time around, so between the group and Spring happening,we should all be a lot better by the end of the sessions.
I just heard the door open. My sweetie pie took out this enormous amount of garbage from my having cleared stuff out of the refrigerator and freezer that had accumulated over a long time (I would make a guess but it would likely gross everyone out)and he has just come back in to growl at me about how much the trash bin weighed (I don't blame him, it really weighed a lot!). Maybe, if we're really fortunate, we'll get a bear tonight, fishing stuff out of the trash can! Probably not, and I would have to call Animal Control if we did because there are too many pets and children in our area, but it would certainly be something more interesting to write about than my usual stuff!
The weather was beautiful today. Not in your "blazing glory of sunlight" kind of way, but in the softness in the air that heralds the changing of the winter into the gentler seasons of growth and renewal. There is life in each breath taken on such a day, and often peace to be found in taking a moment here and there to just "be." It is difficult to put into words, at least adequate words. It is the effort of passing a feeling to another person hand to hand, placing it gently into the palm of another and saying from the heart, "Here. This is the peace of this day for you. I want to share it." Please know that is what is very much contained in my ramblings here.
Blessings,
Izzlebug
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hurry Up and Wait
Despite a condition that seems totally incompatible with life, my aunt continues to linger, though each passing day brings her closer to the end. Her family waits and watches, standing vigil by her side and making sure the pain medication is delivered precisely as needed and on time. They will call all of us when the time arrives.
In the meantime my life and that of my sweet and loving life partner have been turned up on end with a major illness for him. I find myself feeling like crying at inopportune moments and trying desperately to hold onto every possible hope for his recovery and continued survival. It is difficult to do while we are still in the "finding out" phase of things which happens much too gradually for my emotions to tolerate when it involves someone near and dear to me. It is also difficult to know he is very uncomfortable, though feeling somewhat better following a medical procedure endured yesterday for the first time.
It also happens - and it could not have happened at a more appropriate moment - that I have started a depression work group with one of my therapists that really seems like it is going to help me learn to cope with things at least a little better. I may not feel any better, but I will "cope" better, I guess. Even my therapist thinks we have had a lot to deal with, well above the norm, so although there are others who have had more to deal with on occasion, I am definitely amongst the ones in need of assistance of this type and I am looking forward to the process and just hoping to complete the group before all hell breaks loose in life again.
On the way home from the group session last night, I got the idea for a poem. It is a little maudlin but I hope still somewhat lovely in its imagery. I offer it to you here:
Soft, soft the dew has fallen
Upon the fallow sod
In Winter's wake,
Upon the graves of those,
In hope, with God.
Sweet, sweet the kiss of sunlight
Upon the earth's sear brow.
In Winter's wake
The gardens rest and wait
Through wind and snow.
Gentle the cloak of darkness
That with the nighttime falls.
In Winter's wake
God's mercy lives in dreams
Of Springtime's call.
Blessings and peace,
Izzlebug
In the meantime my life and that of my sweet and loving life partner have been turned up on end with a major illness for him. I find myself feeling like crying at inopportune moments and trying desperately to hold onto every possible hope for his recovery and continued survival. It is difficult to do while we are still in the "finding out" phase of things which happens much too gradually for my emotions to tolerate when it involves someone near and dear to me. It is also difficult to know he is very uncomfortable, though feeling somewhat better following a medical procedure endured yesterday for the first time.
It also happens - and it could not have happened at a more appropriate moment - that I have started a depression work group with one of my therapists that really seems like it is going to help me learn to cope with things at least a little better. I may not feel any better, but I will "cope" better, I guess. Even my therapist thinks we have had a lot to deal with, well above the norm, so although there are others who have had more to deal with on occasion, I am definitely amongst the ones in need of assistance of this type and I am looking forward to the process and just hoping to complete the group before all hell breaks loose in life again.
On the way home from the group session last night, I got the idea for a poem. It is a little maudlin but I hope still somewhat lovely in its imagery. I offer it to you here:
Soft, soft the dew has fallen
Upon the fallow sod
In Winter's wake,
Upon the graves of those,
In hope, with God.
Sweet, sweet the kiss of sunlight
Upon the earth's sear brow.
In Winter's wake
The gardens rest and wait
Through wind and snow.
Gentle the cloak of darkness
That with the nighttime falls.
In Winter's wake
God's mercy lives in dreams
Of Springtime's call.
Blessings and peace,
Izzlebug
Monday, March 01, 2010
The March of Time and Telling Death to Shove It By Continuing to Live
As may be evident by the title of this posting, we have not yet heard that my aunt has finally passed. My hopes and prayers are that any pain is under control and that her family is dealing as well as can be expected with the time between; this is the most difficult time of all. In other circumstances you often take the attitude that "no news is good news," but in this case no news is simply no news and so we wait and wait some more, knowing that the news, when it comes, will be sad; knowing full well ahead of time what that "news" will be and not really wanting to hear it, yet needing to hear it, if that makes any kind of sense.
On other fronts, there has been a lot for me to deal with emotionally, and the situation with my aunt just makes me a little shakier for everything else. I have been very weepy and hypersensitive and this has made dealing with my significant other's health issues even more trying. I think, for the first time, it has finally hit home that we are both aging and encountering health problems that could eventually lead to our deaths. This is not such an unusual thing for a couple in our age range to encounter, but because of my many health problems both current and past I think that somewhere, in the back of my tiny mind, I had decided I was the one likely to "go" first and therefore had not really faced the issue of losing my sweetheart and having to survive him instead. Hopefully, the problems he is currently having will prove to be very treatable and not too serious, but it is frightening being in the "not knowing" phase of things right now.
Another event coming up for me is a counseling group for people dealing with depression (Now why in the world would I be depressed?) that my psychologist has recommended I try. Since the grief counseling group I took part in was so helpful, I am eager to try this group in the hope that it, too, will prove to be as helpful in teaching me to overcome some of the weaknesses that have left me in this state as well as prone to even harder bouts with depression under more stressful circumstances than this, which our families have definitely encountered in the not too distant past. I will try to keep my postings about the group current so if anyone needs or would like to know how things are working out they can read about it as it takes place for me.
There has also been so much really sad news of late; the earthquakes in Chile, the suicides of two young men from famous families, the abuse of infants by a very young father...the list could go on, but I think the point is made. There is a lot of bad news in this world and much of it, such as the earthquakes and the aftermath, are beyond the power of humanity to prevent or to cause. It makes me wonder why we, as a species, seem so intent upon creating more grief for ourselves and those who love and need us by behaving in such horrid ways and by doing such inexcusably rotten things when there is so much that nature already throws at us. Isn't there enough pain in just having to survive nature's ravages without any of us adding to the overall burden with destructive or self-destructive behaviors, cruelties, indifference, prejudice, hatred? It's something to think about, isn't it?
The week to come is full of appointments and paperwork; sorting and donating. We work at trying to get all of the extraneous stuff out of the house so that we might, finally, be able to fit in some guests on occasion. It also is going to be a week of more waiting, more worries and more tears. I suppose that we all have weeks like this now and then, but hopefully few and far between.
May your week be sunnier, your family healthier, your joints less stiff and your hair less gray than ours. Blessings.
Izzlebug
On other fronts, there has been a lot for me to deal with emotionally, and the situation with my aunt just makes me a little shakier for everything else. I have been very weepy and hypersensitive and this has made dealing with my significant other's health issues even more trying. I think, for the first time, it has finally hit home that we are both aging and encountering health problems that could eventually lead to our deaths. This is not such an unusual thing for a couple in our age range to encounter, but because of my many health problems both current and past I think that somewhere, in the back of my tiny mind, I had decided I was the one likely to "go" first and therefore had not really faced the issue of losing my sweetheart and having to survive him instead. Hopefully, the problems he is currently having will prove to be very treatable and not too serious, but it is frightening being in the "not knowing" phase of things right now.
Another event coming up for me is a counseling group for people dealing with depression (Now why in the world would I be depressed?) that my psychologist has recommended I try. Since the grief counseling group I took part in was so helpful, I am eager to try this group in the hope that it, too, will prove to be as helpful in teaching me to overcome some of the weaknesses that have left me in this state as well as prone to even harder bouts with depression under more stressful circumstances than this, which our families have definitely encountered in the not too distant past. I will try to keep my postings about the group current so if anyone needs or would like to know how things are working out they can read about it as it takes place for me.
There has also been so much really sad news of late; the earthquakes in Chile, the suicides of two young men from famous families, the abuse of infants by a very young father...the list could go on, but I think the point is made. There is a lot of bad news in this world and much of it, such as the earthquakes and the aftermath, are beyond the power of humanity to prevent or to cause. It makes me wonder why we, as a species, seem so intent upon creating more grief for ourselves and those who love and need us by behaving in such horrid ways and by doing such inexcusably rotten things when there is so much that nature already throws at us. Isn't there enough pain in just having to survive nature's ravages without any of us adding to the overall burden with destructive or self-destructive behaviors, cruelties, indifference, prejudice, hatred? It's something to think about, isn't it?
The week to come is full of appointments and paperwork; sorting and donating. We work at trying to get all of the extraneous stuff out of the house so that we might, finally, be able to fit in some guests on occasion. It also is going to be a week of more waiting, more worries and more tears. I suppose that we all have weeks like this now and then, but hopefully few and far between.
May your week be sunnier, your family healthier, your joints less stiff and your hair less gray than ours. Blessings.
Izzlebug
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)