A Change of Name Seemed In Order

As those who read this unassuming blog know, our family has been weathering several rather grave crises recently. My biopsy is in three days and my sister has horrible sores in her mouth, a result of the chemotherapy killing off her white cells. The biopsy does not feel like that big a deal, sort of like knowing I need to have a tooth pulled - along those lines, and Patty's white count is going back up slowly so her mouth will heal, eventually. In the mean time, though, reality sucks.

I try to talk to Patty as often as possible, although that can prove difficult depending on how many other phone calls or visitors she has, necessary interruptions from doctors and nursing staff, and so on. Right now I just want to cry because her mouth is so sore. She, having been the one of the two (or four) of us to successfully reproduce, says the pain in her mouth is worse than labor. I was there when my niece was born and I know it really hurt a lot, so it is heart-rending to know that this sister, who has been to hell and back several times in the past year-and-a-half, is now enduring something more painful than anything she has known previously. You can cuddle an ailing infant and comfort them with gentle humming and back rubs, but how do you accomplish the same thing for another adult, whom you love very much, when it is difficult to even manage a visit, for whatever reason? I can't help feeling our Mom would know what to do; we are forever her children, but she cannot be with us right now and an older sister is simply not the same thing.

Dear God, I wish I could take some of the pain upon myself, if only for awhile, in order to ease Patty's trials in all of this! It is amazing how petty and small one's own dilemmas seem to become when compared with the genuine suffering of a beloved younger sister. The flip side to all of this is that, given the nature of our relationship, any attempts at a physical expression of comfort, no matter how lovingly offered, would only annoy her - morphine is more of a comfort right now than an overly anxious sibling.

At least now we take the time during the close of our conversations to tell each other, "I love you." At least we know it has been said, with hearts and minds in full accord and both of us hearing one another clearly. If it is true that the love you hold while on earth travels with you to where ever it is we all end up after passing from this world, at least we will be wealthy in an abundance of love to keep us warm and comforted for eternity. Nothing can ever rob either of us of that - ever.

When we were small
Perhaps I thought of you as
Some kind of wiggly intruder,
A competitor for Mom's hugs, snuggles,
And hums - her version of singing
Lovely lullabies.
As we have grown, through pain
And joy, trial and sorrow,
I have learned to know
And love you.
As we were a part of our mother,
As your children are a part of you,
As surely as that
You are my sister,
In my heart forever,
Never forsaken,
Never forgotten,
Forever loved.

May your relationships with brothers, sisters, and close friends be more special with each moment you spend together. May your squabbles be few and far between, and forgiveness in every breath you take in each others' presence.

Izzlebug