It's Been A Long, Long Time!

Hello out there! It does not seem possible that I have not blogged for over two months, but the dates on the website confirm it. It's good to be back, though, and I hope no one has completely given up on me during the past 60, or so, days.

Following Patty's death, we also lost my boyfriend's brother-in-law, with whom I had been acquainted for almost thirteen years, just prior to Thanksgiving. Then my boyfriend had major surgery - from which he is recovering very nicely - although he is still not able to drive by himself quite yet, and then this past week I learned that my Dad, whom I love dearly, has cancer - again. When does it stop or, at least, slow down? Fortunately, this time around, Dad's cancer is a very slow moving type that has a very high cure rate from the available treatments. It has also not been detected in any of his lymph nodes or bones, which is also a very promising indication that the present treatments will likely eradicate the cancer - still, it does not seem fair that my poor Dad should have to endure the loss of a wife, cancer - surgeries, chemo and radiation, the loss of a daughter, and then cancer - radiation and chemo yet again all in the space of less than ten years.

My mind still feels a little numb from the onslaught yet, at the same time, I find myself slowly healing. Patty's death no longer causes me to break down pathetically, although there are some poignant moments now and then as memories trace themselves throughout the days and weeks as they pass. I was placed on academic suspension from my master's course following Patty's death - I simply could not get my grades back up before the end of the seminar/semester (we are doing two seminars per semester) and had to step down until this coming June, when I hope to be able to return to school and complete my degree. I was able to see - however slowly or reluctantly - that the dean's decision to suspend me was actually a very sound one, especially as I am beginning to feel that old creative/energetic/scholarly spark reigniting as the days and months pass - despite what they have held for our families (mine and my boyfriend's).

The time I have been taking off from my studies has given me an opportunity to look around, read for the fun of it and not because I have to study, take a few deep breathes, and begin to see the possibilities in life again instead of only the pain and loss. I am also able to recall more and more of the events following Patty's passing with more clarity; everything also seems a little more orderly as well.

Both Patty's and our Mom's ashes were laid to rest in a small, rural cemetary that has hosted several members of our extended family for, I think, the past three or so generations. Mom and Patty rest in their urns - both chosen for them by my nephew - side by side in the same spot that will eventually cradle my Dad and step-mother and this seems very "right" to me - that a mother and daughter, first wife and second, husband and father, should all be together in death in a way simply not possible in life. It is the final statement of "family" that we can make, this unity in death as in life - at least expressed if not always actual.

The cemetary is a quiet spot, lovely in its rural simplicity and touching in its seperation from the trials and continuing strife the world and this life seem to bring at so constant a pace. As my other sister - "she who declines to be named" - and I stood by while the person dug through the soil to make room for our sibling and parent, we were a little disconcerted to see bones - a lot of them - coming up with each shovelful of Vermont earth. He - the digger - explained that the cemetary was located on the site of an old slaughter house, that the bones belonged to the cattle, pigs, and presumably a few sheep, that had been dispatched only feet from our then present location. At least the prior occupants had not been former relatives, which is what gave us the creepy feeling initially, although it does seem a little sad that the remains of the animals must routinely be disturbed to make way for more death, although of a very seperate species and the consumers of said animals, at least relatively speaking.

There is a slight uphill tilt to the land as it rolls gently to an old stone fence and meets the edge of a still rather young forest. In a few more years there will no longer be room for any more of the human occupants, leaving the animals remains still in a vast majority.

The day of their mutual funeral was a beautiful and gentle Autumn day blessed with warm breezes and sunshine, and various relatives we thought might not be able to be present. Our grandmother was there, some cousins, and some of Patty's friends, as well as the more immediately bereaved. The graveside service was very homespun and short. Those of us with something to say or share were able to do so, while those present out of affection and respect who did not know what to say were not made to feel awkward or unwelcome because of their silence. Patty's two sisters (myself and "she who declines to be named"), and also our mother's remaining two daughters, stood beside the grave as the urns were hidden from sight, at least until the larger vault arrived. It seems as if the constant movement and disorganizations of life must also intrude upon death...the headstone was scheduled to arrive later in the week.

Perhaps, I think, I find this blog something of a shoulder to cry on, a release for the thoughts crowding my mind and edging out the grief, even though many of those thoughts are about the many losses my family has sustained in the past seven years. My thoughts and prayers are for the moment, however, with those of you who may have yet to begin to feel the healing of time, who may still need a shoulder to lean upon or a sympathetic whisper in your ear, or maybe just a tissue to dab away those few sneaky tears that seem to have a will of their own as they escape your eyes and slowly make thier way down your cheeks, unbidden. Please know that these words are also for you.

Izzlebug