To My Beautiful Niece

Sweetheart,

As your fat old auntie sits at her computer today, crying, it has occured to her (me, that is) that there are so many things I want to tell you about your Mom before I can't even if it is only due to lost opportunities rather than life's predations upon our family. It has been a little easier with your brother in some ways because he is older and is able to understand more right now, but it has not been simple trying to figure what to tell you, or when, and then trying to determine how much is too much, and so on. I hope you will forgive me if I have been remiss in any way in this task, sweetie-bananas, although I have often tried to figure it all out so I could do my job in the way that is best for you time and again.

I have tried to tell you some of the funny stories about your Mom when she was a little girl, and some of the naughty ones, too, so you will know that Moms (and Dads, too) used to be kids and had to learn all the stuff you don't want to pay attention to, right now. I also want you to know enough about your Mom so when you might be a Mommy some day you will understand all the things it is so difficult putting into words for you while you're still so young and missing your Mom so much. I think I will have managed to do my job as your aunt if I can help you realize the most important thing about your Mom was how much she loved you and how very hard she tried to stay with you. I have seldom witnessed such a fight from anyone as I saw from your Mom. I always knew my sister was a determined person, but I saw her through newly reopened eyes during her fight to stay here and be with you and your brother. Sweetie, she loved you so much and wanted to be here to see you grow up; to hold you, comfort you, and most of all, protect you, because that is what Mom's are supposed to do.

I admit I was selfish and I did not want your Mom to allow the doctors to try out their experimental treatments on her, but they told her the chances of her recovering were becoming less and less likely as the leukemia kept holding on and coming back no matter what they gave her to fight it. Your mother was willing to take some pretty big chances with her life in the hope that one of the newly developed treatments might be the one to cure the leukemia and save not only her life, but the lives of others as well. Your Mom wanted her life to count for something not just with our family and to her children, but to the entire world as well. She did her best and I think she did a really good job at making a difference. I know that you were the one most on her heart the last day she was alive, mostly because she knew you could not be there with her as the rest of us were.

I want you to know that I sat with her as much as I could. I held her hand and sang lullabies and other songs to her, so she would not have to be alone. I talked to her about how I worried that I could not be a very good auntie without her here to do the "Mom" part of the job, and I know she loved me even thought she could not say so out loud. Most of all, I did not want her to feel alone. I hope she thought of all the things you got to tell her before she died, and of the time you got to spend holding her hand. I am so glad you had a chance to talk to her by yourself, sweetie, because I know there were special "mom-only" things you needed to tell her.

I have never seen such a hard fight for life as the one I watched on that last day. Your Mom held on so your brother could have his birthday before she died. I know she would have held on even longer than that if she could have because she loved you so much.

You are my younger sister's beautiful daughter. You will have your mother's poise, her intelligence, her beauty, and, I hope, her slightly evil sense of humor so maybe, when you're older and allowed to be improper if you want to, the two of us can laugh together the way your Mom, me, and your other auntie (who does not want me to use her name in my blog), used to laugh sometimes when we were together. It is a special kind of laughter that does not happen a lot, and that requires an entire lifetime of love - no matter how short or long - to fully understand. If I can also share that with you, along with the knowledge of how very much your Mommy loved you and wanted to stay with you, my job as your auntie will have been well done.

With all the love in my heart,
Auntie Liz