A Day of Reckoning

This week is the week I will be having my surgery. Although I know that, in the long term, everything is likely to be just fine, it is the short term I find so difficult to confront right now. With the preparations for future plastic surgery procedures, I will likely be in the OR for around five hours, give or take, according to my surgeons and I am feeling the usual, and presumably "normal," pre-surgical jitters most people in like situations would tend to feel. This is a very stressful week for me, but I feel as if I am surrounded by the love of family and the best wishes of many friends and acquaintances and, if those of a more somber faith will forgive me the impertinence, have even managed to rate some very gentle attentions from God Himself, not only in the appearance of certain rather interesting cloud formations, but also this evening in the simple little shadow cast by my keys on the wall as I headed out the door - the shadow looked like a little angel hovering quietly in front of me. I have never had any doubts as to the presence or existence of God, merely doubts as to the depth of His interest in me and my life. Still I find comfort, humor, and some degree of thankfulness in such small reminders, whether others might choose to debate them or not. For me they have had meaning and have helped me during a time of distress. I am grateful.

Tomorrow will be a day spent with my sister and, later on, my niece also. Hopefully we will be able to find some place mutually agreeable to have an early supper and then all head home (or back to our hotel, in my sister's case) for an early bedtime and a good night's rest, although I do not know if I will be able to sleep much since Thursday is "The Day" for me.

I will try to let anyone reading this know how things went as soon as possible following my surgery in case they might be facing the same type of surgery anytime soon. I have been told that it is not an especially painful recovery, although there will obviously be pain involved, and that I should be able to return home the day following the surgery. I know each person's experience is unique but, just in case any of mine might be of help to someone else, I will try to convey the information ASAP.

One thing I would heartily recommend to anyone approaching this type of surgery is that they take the time to allow themself to have a good cry here and there. I was crying earlier this evening (I hid in the bathroom) and likely would have done so earlier but the day was too busy and there were too may people around and too much activity - all necessary - to allow me the release of grief, fear, and whatever else I needed to cry out of my system earlier in the day. Being reminded that you are loved helps in this process and, whether in an ethereal sign from on high or in the simple hard work given so willingly by a younger sister or family friend, it all means a great deal when faced with the ordeal I am trying to cope with at present. I am loved. I will always have that and that will always be with me where ever I am; where ever I may find myself.

There is a short song about being loved that I learned many years ago that I think of once in awhile. I paraphrase it here for you now. I do not recall the author or the composer, however:

"I am loved, I am loved.
I can risk loving you.
For the ones who know me best, love me most.
I am loved, I am loved.
Won't you please take my hand,
We can learn to love each other;
We are loved."

As I write this song out (or type it out, for the more literally minded), I am reminded of the terrible troubles of the Middle East between the Israeli and Arab peoples; the Christian, Jewish, and Muslim believers. Why are we so determined to hate and destroy that with which we do not agree; that which we fear, for whatever reason?
I know I will never be able to adopt the beliefs of either the Jewish or Muslim faiths, yet I cannot say I feel threatened by either of those sets of beliefs and, whether any of those beliefs shakes me in any of what I believe to be true, certainly not to the point of wishing anyone evil merely for disagreeing with me in a matter of religious choice. Part of the price of having religious freedom is found in allowing others that same freedom as they see fit and according to their own choice and conscience, not someone else's, otherwise the commitment means little or nothing and anyhting they may have to say is merely learned by rote and never spoken from the heart. Peace has to start somewhere, if not with me then with whom? If not now, then when?

Perhaps humanity will never be ready to commit to peace. Just as peace begins to seem possible one place, the cry of war and the ugly lust for power and attention breaks out elsewhere - witness North Korea's thrashings, shoutings, and demandings. If ever a nation was crying out to be heard, for good or for ill, it is this one with its hostage population and its maniacal, if self-delusional, leadership's determination to become what it thinks of as a "player" in world politics. No one lives forever and no nation will forever tolerate the conditions the poor citizens of North Korea have been forced to endure under the current regime. Their lives are little better than those of most prisoners in other nations. My heart goes out to the people of North Korea and I hope they may soon be free of their oppression and able to lift their heads once again, proud of their cultural heritage and proud of their nation.

Another war torn nation is Mexico, although for different reasons. With the drug lords determined to keep their trade routes to the US open and the determination of the US and, finally, certain members of the Mexican government to make sure they are prevented from continuing to use those routes or to create others, Mexico is in a bad way. Most likely it is those caught in the cross fire that suffer the greatest losses, so again, my heart goes out to the citizens, the common people, of Mexico, those whose lives will likely be forever altered by the direct consequences of the violence taking place while those who direct from a distance will still be able to sit back in their exquisitely appointed mansions, enjoying their perfectly brewed cups of coffee or tea, and never fully realizing, or caring, what sort of pain and devastation they have initiated for thousands of their fellow countrymen because of the greed, corruption, and savagery that gained their wealth for them in the first place. It may seem like justice to wish them what they deserve, but to me it would be too horrible to imagine putting even someone so viscious through that and I refuse to wish it, no matter how well deserved or just.

There, I have had my rants for the week, I just wish I could somehow help make all of the efforts at peaceful resolutions between nations, as well as individuals, come to fruition but how when even the UN is botching the job so sadly of late?

Whatever the state of the world's population at large, may each of you find the unique blessings in your own lives and may you have the opportunity to feel the gratitude and love there, as well, at least to the same degree I have gotten to find such things in my own.

Love,
Izzlebug