Finding My Way Back

After the loss of our sweet, old Bootsie-cat and then my brother, we had to endure yet another loss two weeks ago today with the death of my special Mottle-cat. I found myself paralyzed somehow by her loss and that is why it is only now that I am posting about it. Her loss on top of the loss of another of our cats and the loss of my younger brother was a knockout blow I could not recover from as readily as the other two; if what I was experiencing from those two blows could be described as recovery in that they occurred so closely together.

Mottle was a very sweet little cat who had not had a very happy beginning in life according to the person who ran the shelter we adopted her from in Pepperell MA. When I first brought her home she could hardly believe she was being allowed in the house and on our beds. She was so ecstatic that she gave this funny sommersault of joy. From that moment I knew that what I wanted was to give this small morsel of kittyness as much joy and love as possible for as long as possible.

If it is true that you receive what you give, then Mottle must have felt like one of the most beloved pussycats on the face of this earth. For the last years of her life she took care of me. She always put me to bed at night, making sure I was settled in, then she would purr me a lullaby before leaving to let me fall asleep. We would have silly moments of playing hide and seek under the covers or times of just being nutty with each other. She was a "soulmate" sort of pussycat and it always puzzled me how anyone could have missed this about her and mistreated her at all. I miss her sorely and, although written, the poem I have created in her honor does not yet do her justice. I will work on it some more before sharing it here with all of you. Even now I find it hard to write about her and have been having difficulties with memories of Mike, Mom, and Patty, Paws, Bootsie, Pudge, Tiger, Callie, and so on, though mostly Mike, Patty, Bootsie, and Mottle to be honest - I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings...

Despite the recent losses in our lives things do seem to be looking up on other fronts. There seem to be some employment opportunities presenting themselves here and there, which will make life a little easier in many ways, and some items I crafted to sell several years ago were finally found again amidst all of the "stuff" we are still dealing with in the house, so maybe I will be able to sell some of those and make a little income there, as well. We still have two of our beloved kitties to look after and love, but the house seems pretty empty.

My sweetie-pie has said we can get another kitty when our final two geriatric pussycats finally have to leave us behind and, although kittens are adorable, I am thinking we should look at older cats first. Several of our cats have been adopted as adults and they have been the joy of our lives even if they are not quite as close to us in some ways as those we have had as kittens. The older cats also have a more difficult time finding homes, so I sympathize greatly with their plight and want to help.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I don't know how much more loss I can take before I go into some sort of stupor, no longer able to write or think; no longer able to cope with a life that has, in the last several years, seemed so severe that joy has been fleeting although still present, and happiness very hard to find.

Izzlebug