I Wonder As I Wander...

A psychologist once told me it was her opinion that I was my family's scapegoat; the one who always got blamed for the things that could not be helped in the lives of all of the other family members. To an extent, so was my younger (only) brother, but for very different reasons. This has made me wonder, through the years, if I am too ordinary, as compared to my other siblings, to have been allowed to ever feel special - certainly it would not do to have a convenient scapegoat feeling too above their appointed lot in life - or if I fell into that particular spot within my family for other reasons. I likely will never really be able to fully analyze or understand this particular familial phenomenon, but it does bother me to realize there are others out there, many still just children, who are also being cast into that role by their families; the people who are supposed to be their mainstay of love and support in this world, but who are making their family scapegoat carry a load of guilt and emotional burden never intended for the shoulders of any one person merely to give a convenient emotional palliative to other, more selfish and stronger members of their particular group who do not want to carry the burden of their own failings and troubles themselves.

I also am bothered by the fact that those families, much as my own, may have no clue that they are even indulging themselves in this behavior. Due to my proximate relationship to this particular psychological state, I like to think that all of those thusly chosen are more extraordinary than those doing everything in their power to keep them down and out. I also like to feel that the emotional scarring from such an experience is something that can heal so completely that it will no longer effect relationships and attempts to gain success for those who, realizing what has been going on, do their utmost to step beyond such things and go on with their lives unmolested.

I am no longer willing to bear this role in life and to any of those who may still feel free to treat me as such I wish them a hearty and heart-felt "Go to Hell!" Not very nice of me, but then, neither are the persons who indulge themselves in this sort of thing at the expense of others. Neither do I have any desire to become the tormentor; in such a case revenge would not, should not, and could not begin to taste as sweet as the knowledge that the stars of such tormentors burn out fairly quickly while my star is still gaining in its ascendancy. I admit not too many people find fame and fortune in their later years, but some have succeeded in late life, none the less, so there is still time for me.

I remember the first altercation I had after I learned of this "situation." One of my siblings decided I had interfered in a "conversation" (read that as an escalating yelling match with threats of physical harm being made) and slugged me on the side of the head as they grabbed a handful of my hair. The look of surprise and alarm that appeared upon the face of my attacker as I slugged and pulled back still remains in my memory. It was the point I started refusing to bear those types of burdens any longer and it deserved that response of surprise and alarm; the scapegoat was finally fighting back and it was going to send that comfortable little portion of the rest of the family's psyche spinning permanently out of control. My imprisonment was over, the war was joined and I was determined to win the battle as well as the war. Freedom and victory for scapegoats!

It needs to be pointed out that this is not a case of being unloved by those who torment, and is probably not a case of conscious abuse or choice. I am under the impression that it occurs on a subconscious level within family groups and stems from the fact that we, as humans, tend to yell at someone we love because something has gone very wrong in our lives even though it has little or nothing to do with the one upon whom we are venting our ire and frustrations. Not being a psychologist, I am only guessing about all of this, but I do know it is something that can be absolutely soul destroying for the one being victimized and that it is not a very healthy way of dealing with things, especially in the long term, in general. For those of you out there who may recognize yourself in these words - get some help from someone knowledgeable about these things and break free! Find your wings and then use them! There is an entire life out there waiting for you and only you can form it and live it. In this way we are all unique - if you do not take your life and live it, your songs will never be heard, your victories left crumbling in the dust of time, never to be recognized or won.

This all does not automatically assure the person breaking free of any great or unusually fabulous, breathtaking success or victory, but it does feel good to realize you are not as rotten as you've always been made to feel and that you are also not such a failure. I have won many victories in my life that may not seem like much to anyone else but that mean the world to me. Others may ho-hum and shrug off my accomplishments, but they are mine and I will celebrate them even if no one else is so inclined. My successes have been hard won, often with severe resistence and little support from family and friends, but I have managed them anyway. Whether the world ever sees my modest gains for the huge victories they are for me, that is the world's problem. I am celebrating and will continue to strive because I have found someone and something worth putting myself into the struggle for - myself and my life. Just as I continue to write whether I have any group of sycophantics urging me on or not, I will continue to fight and live despite the nay-sayers and critics; despite the negative comments and refusals to grant any time, attention, or accolades to me for what I have managed to win despite them and their considerably negative and indifferent attitudes.

I love my family and I know they love me; I also know we are all merely human and, whether they placed me in that position by choice or by some sad, subconscious psychological need, the position they placed me in is now vacated. They must carry the crap of their lives themselves or find another scapegoat. I vote for their developing the mental, moral and emotional muscle they need to carry it themselves, but as a former scapegoat, I doubt my opinion will hold much sway. Too bad, the world would be a much nicer place if we could all stop blaming one another for the failings that merely come with the package and were willing to pick ourselves up and go on without the need for the emotional release of scapegoating.