Me, Myself, and the Rest of the World

There have been two moments over the past day or so where my thoughts wandered to this blog and I started to compose entries in my mind. I had to stop myself both times and remind myself to "write it down" here instead of just thinking about it. Once again, the topics of each moment are diverse, but they both have stayed on my mind and I do not know if there is a connection to be made as I write about them or not, but I will do my best to make sense of both.

The first was an idea I had about something I hope will bring some degree of amusement to others; it is about me. It occurred to me that I am somewhat eccentric but not nearly brilliant enough to have it excused by others as being merely "normal" for-such-an-incredible-genius-sort-of-thing, and I was exploring the thought when I realized that some of the most damning evidence for that eccentricity exists in the form of what I collect.

For the longest time I could not decide on exactly what it was that I wanted to collect; stamps, coins, tea cups, tea pots, salt and pepper shakers, pitchers, silver-plated baskets, hand-painted wooden ware, oriental porcelains, books, recipes, sheet music, quilts, doilies, stem ware, jewelry, Beanie Babies, antique knitting and crocheting patterns, handkerchiefs, knick-knacks, dolls, wood carvings, cat figurines, dog figurines, horse figurines, antique clothing, - as you can see, it's quite a list and it barely even touches on all of the different things people can think of to make up collections.

It seems that, while I was exploring the possibilities, I was also collecting - first one type of item then another, just in case I decided to collect those instead of those, etc. While I was at it I amassed a lot of items from all of the above mentioned groups of potential collectables as well as others that are not on the list. It has played hell with our living conditions and much has been sacrificed to the whims of individual pussycats, my boyfriend, resident mice, and such. Then, it dawned on me, instead of not being able to focus upon any one particular item to collect, I had actually managed to create a genuine and unique collection after all; I collect collections.

None of my collectible items amount to much as collections of single types of items, but I now have one very large collection of collections - teapots, baskets, knick-knacks, tea cups, stamps, jewelry, antique medical items, bottles, music boxes, patterns, mugs, figurines, paintings, ...you name it and I likely have it represented in my collection somehow. (This is not intended as challenge to those who like to compare their collections to those of others.) Realizing this made me feel a little better about my apparent inability to focus upon any one thing to collect, since it turned out I already had but didn't realize it until then, and I also felt better knowing I had not managed to merely fill our home with clutter so much as I had managed to amass a respectable and eclectic collection large enough to inspire pride in any collector of found or sought after objects. There is still the sneaking suspician that what I really have on my hands is fodder for one heck of a yard sale, but I refuse to view it in that way quite yet - it felt so good to imagine I was not as disorganized as I have been feeling for such a long time.

The other thing that has been on my mind is the situation we all find ourselves in as regards my younger sister's struggles with leukemia. Of course we all hope that she will recover and go into a permanent remission - the best case scenario for anyone with this type of illness - but, understanding that we may only get something reasonable that falls a little below that cherished and hoped for goal, I would like to think we had all managed to learn something from this that we could pass on to others facing similar struggles. This turned my mind to the various things, both sage and not, that I have been told by others and I wondered how I would answer someone else's questions - the same ones that have hammered my brain ever since this thing began - and this has helped me figure a few things out.

One of the things I realized is that, in this type of situation, you have to both let go of your family or loved one but also hold on tighter than you ever have before. The letting go comes with the realization that, while everything humanly possible is being done to help my sister - in my case - there are powers at play I have absolutely no control over. Medicine, science, faith; all of these are in play and are very much a part of the human equation. It is what transcends human abilities and control that makes this thing she is going through so frightening; I cannot control it, much as I wish I could, and it is in that realm, on that level, that I must relinquish all desire to command or issue demands.

That is where you have to do the "letting go" of your family or loved one - in my case, my younger sister. The rest of it - the parts of life that you can control; homework, visiting, speaking to others about helping out, chipping in on chores that otherwise would not get done, keeping yourself at your best for the sake of your loved one (my sister), encouraging her (them), being there as much as possible, caring, loving, listening to each other, comforting other distraught family members - this is the place we need to hold on as tightly as we can to one another. Holding on desperately and determinedly to love is where we have to refuse to let go.

I am not sure there is a truly apt analogy between the two subjects discussed above, unless you could consider the second part as a collecting of people or emotion, or perhaps strength. Maybe there is something in all of this that might speak to someone about uncluttering their emotional lives or cleaning up their kitchen or divesting themselves of miscellaneous possessions or neuroses, but I cannot extrapolate such things at the moment. Perhaps it is merely the way a person's mind wanders when they are tired and careworn and have just tripped over the what-cha-ma-callit for the umpteenth time this morning. I do not know but I hope to learn soon. Maybe I should set up a trade site for those with too much household and emotional clutter: "To Trade - collection of collections for wisdom of ages. Will consider monetary offers as well - must clarify life and mind for what lies ahead. No reasonable offer refused. Purchaser must pay shipping fees."