TODAY
(Randy Sparks)
Today while the blossom still clings to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joys that are mine today
I'll be a dandy and I'll be a rover
You'll know who I am by the song that I sing
I'll feast at your table, I'll lie in your clover
I'll laugh and I'll cry and I'll sing
Today while the blossom still clings to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joys that are mine today
I can't be contented with yesterday's glories
I can't live on promises winter to spring
This is my moment and now is my story
Who cares what tomorrow will bring
Today while the blossom still clings to the vine
I'll taste your strawberries, I'll drink your sweet wine
A million tomorrows shall all pass away
Ere I forget all the joys that are mine today
There have been many times of grief and stress for our family over the past few years, and during those times I have felt very strongly that I have been somehow gifted with the memories of certain songs. When our Dad had to undergo open heart surgery “Morning Has Broken” was my comfort as I drove the distances between home and hospital. When my Mom was dying, I had three lullabies; “Stille Nacht,” “All Through the Night,” and “Edelweiss.” I do not recall any particular comfort song while my Dad battled breast cancer surgery and the chemo and radiation treatments that it necessitated, but it is likely there was one. And now, with my sister dying of leukemia, with little hope given for the success of a bone marrow transplant, I have been finding comfort in the song transcribed above, though I am not sure why yet.
I realize now that “Morning Has Broken” was a song of genuine hope and simple faith. The three lullabies were the one my grandmother sang to my Mom when she was young, the lullaby I heard my mother sing to me, and the song my sister, Patty, used to sing to her two children when they were small enough to still be comforted by such things. Patty’s two children are my parents’ only grandchildren. I do not question that the songs are comforting, and that is the purpose they serve for me during times such as this, but it is still a little puzzling as to what the actual significance of my needing them or thinking of them may be. I do not worry about it, just wonder a bit sometimes.
Patty may only have a few more weeks to live. Her last bone marrow biopsy revealed an 80% concentration of leukemic cells in the marrow, and her only recourse is to be rushed into the transplant, although the chances of her survival are very slim even with the procedure. I was crying as I drove home from her daughter’s 10th birthday party tonight. I do not want my sister to die.
As I drove home it was as though my heart was pouring itself out with each tear, but in spite of a very real and profound grief the writer in me was whispering “Don’t do this now! It’s too good to just throw away in the car and you know you might not remember most of it by the time you get to the keyboard!” I will try to recall what my mouthy ego was so concerned about, but I will probably end up crying as I type, in order to pass at least some of those incredible thoughts on to those reading my blog.
Although I have received compliments on my reflective writing in the past, most of that writing has been the result of pain, anger and grief and I honestly wish I had not had so much about those subjects to convey. In the midst of the first waves of sadness, anger, and fear I feel as though I am screaming into an echoing void that sends my pain back in a silence so profound those screams become a physical entity with life of their own. Like slow, sad waves breaking upon a desolate and gray sand somewhere in time, harsh in the light of day but gentle in the weakness that flows from such emotion, the funereal melody of the water embodies itself in those same screams; echoing, always echoing, slipping and patting the shores of my emotions with an endless litany of broken hopes and pain. Even my anger has somehow mellowed or degenerated into something quiet, weaker than it used to be, perhaps because there is no one except God to be angry with right now.
All of my frantic fumblings, wondering if I might somehow discover a way to bargain with God for my sister’s life, have come to an end – what could I possibly offer such omnipotence; what promises could I even begin to make, that would convince a God of stone to take pity on this small and aching family; on my poor sister and her children?
As Patty stroked the cats who took turns resting on her lap this evening, as she celebrated her daughter’s birthday, as she looked at her son and each one of the rest of us in turn, I felt she was trying to begin saying good-bye. She is infinitely sad, and I am with her in her grief. Despite all of the fear and uncertainty, the utterly desolate grief and pitiful anger, there are moments of humor as well; who could not smile through their tears as they recognize a uniquely sisterly urge to sit as close up as possible to their sister, snuggling together, one sister on each side of her, together as one, as she goes through these horrible things. As we are all quite large, the image of the potential physical reality that popped into my mind as I was feeling this was ridiculous and I had to smile to myself at the thought. It is not a thought I could readily share with Patty, though. She has a much harder road immediately ahead of her now. I hope, though, that there will still be time for some small silly moments with her daughter, some sweet times with her son, some laughter and much love along with all of the tears and fear. My anger is dissolving as the realities hit home, and I do not know what exactly to do or say but am trusting in our family togetherness to keep such things appropriate and meaningful for Patty.
Any of you with sisters already have a “Patty” in your life, so I do not have to wish for you to know her because, if there is any love present at all, you already know my sister by heart. If you do not yet have, or never have had, a sister (or two) I do not think I can do Patty justice for your benefit. How many people do you want to permanently glue yourself to as if it will somehow keep them alive and by you forever? How many of you have felt the loss of a relationship finally growing in a love that has a physical presence within your corporeal being before it is torn asunder by death? How many of you know you are losing one of the very few people you have ever been able to laugh with until you cried, and about the silliest things? How many of you have lost, or are losing, one of the very few people who has known you their entire life and has forgiven more childish sin than the Catholic Church? Who else, except a sister, can love you for who you really are even when you don’t feel as if you could ever love yourself again because of some of the things you have done or said to each other? These things cannot be put easily into words, and are even more remote when stated to those with no sisters for reference.
It is a terrible, wonderful love that must break the walls of time into crumbling ruins in order to be with the ones it encompasses. It is a love too solid, too real for this earthly impermanence to ever contain. It is forever in its strength, scope, and being. It is eternity itself.
For Patty, My Sister
You are in my heart forever
Your face fixed firmly in my brain
I wish I knew I would also recall your voice
Once it’s gone
From this human plain
A thousand memories
Like snapshots
Surge and wane through each thought
My heart beats in endless
Longing to share some of its strength
To carry you to some safe place
Where you can continue
Where you will be able to live
And visit and share and hug
So we do not have to say
Good-bye too soon
You will always be too young
To die
To an older sister
Whose grief sometimes makes her think
Ridiculous thoughts you would laugh to hear
But they are born of a solid hard enduring love
You will never have to fear
Being without
Wherever your forever
Finds itself
At the break of that strange
Unwelcome and future day
I will be there with you in heart and mind
With you forever
To stay.
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