Memories Are Not Always Pleasant or Welcome

What is now yesterday morning (although possibly not quite yet in this blog's time zone) I was at the monthly meeting of our grief group. After the initial eight weeks, those of us in the group elected to continue meeting once a month and it has been good so far, although this has only been our second monthly meeting. What has called me to my keyboard at what is 12:30 am, or so, in my time zone, were some things that were mentioned that took their time percolating in my mind until a few minutes ago and the slight fear that they may have indicated even the remotest of possibilities has caused me to remain awake when I usually have little trouble falling asleep.

It's strange how the slightest of suggestions can bring back some of the most vivd and unwelcome of memories, especially when those memories end up coupled with concerns for potential harm to other people; people who do not merit or in any way deserve to be harmed.

A name, a brief description, and memories of a very self-involved young woman came flooding back to me. She is not someone I have thought about much at all for several years. She is not someone I have wanted to think about for several years, as she is not someone I thought very much of when I met her and even less of when our blessedly brief acquaintance came to an end. To put it very bluntly, she had her head so far up her own backside she was unable to see anything except whatever was up her own....

Unfortunately, this particularly narcissistic young person was going into a field of work where it is likely she would end up victimizing those who could not afford to be further victimized. Dealing with her was like dealing with a very determined locomotive that was laying its own tracks according to its own rules while self-diagnosing for its own benefit and satisfaction with absolutely no regard for anyone or anything else. She was doing the work but for all of the wrong reasons and I pity any of the people who have likely been exposed to her self-satisfied "expertise" during these early years of whatever travesty is passing for her career at the moment. I can only hope that 1. she is still in school, and 2. she has matured tremendously and snapped out of her egoistic little bubble, or is at least in the process of doing so. She was certainly not without intelligence, although she seemed to feel that genius was formulaic rather than creative, and that she was the be all and end all of perfection in the student department despite her determined belief she suffered too greatly to remain unsainted very long following her graduation.

I realize all of this is truly harsh of me, but I know the effect this person had on me, the fear the mere thought of the influence she, or someone very much like her, could have upon a vulnerable human being that I feel when I recall her behaviors, and all that I was trying so hard to deal with at the time that was made even more difficult by this individual. I sincerely hope she has truly grown up and outgrown herself. I also hope I never have to see her or deal with her again on any level and that she never has the opportunity to victimize anyone else again, although I doubt she will ever be able to see herself in that light no matter what damage she may inflict.

Hopefully she will prove to ultimately not be so disturbing and selfish as my contact with her led me to believe, but the fear exists and lingers and I do not want this person near anyone I care about for any reason whatsoever. Maybe she is out in California in some New Age commune with her yogi boyfriend bilking rich people out of money they have never had to earn themselves. Somehow that thought comforts me as she could do very little damage in such a superficial atmosphere should she have managed to not mature or change in these interim years.

Would that all memories could be the pleasant kind.

Izzlebug