The Rest of the Lessons

I managed to track down the two remaining stories I liked and wanted to share here with anyone who might wander this way. I thought about being coy and just leaving the points I wanted to bring out hidden within the text of the first, but have decided to italicize instead, since the point I felt the story makes is not the punchline but found within the body of the joke itself. I also discovered that both of my favorite tales are really quite popular and have already received quite a lot of attention on many, many sites on the internet already - it's good to know I am not the only one with a sense of humor or (I hope!) the perspective I am hoping to convey here:

IS HELL ENDOTHERMIC OR EXOTHERMIC?

Dr. Schambaugh, of the University of Oklahoma School of Chemical Engineering, Final Exam question for May of 1997. Dr. Schambaugh is known for asking questions such as, "why do airplanes fly?" on his final exams. His one and only final exam question in May 1997 for his Momentum, Heat and Mass Transfer II class was: "Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof."

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

"First, We postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, then you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant. Two options exist:

1. If hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.
2. If hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the quote given to me by Theresa Manyan during Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in hell before I sleep with you" and take into account the fact that I still have NOT succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then Option 2 cannot be true...Thus, hell is exothermic."

The student, Tim Graham, got the only A.


A Talk With God
A man was taking it easy, laying on the grass and looking up at the clouds. He was identifying shapes when he decided to talk to God.
"God", he said, "how long is a million years?"
God answered, "In my frame of reference, it's about a minute."
The man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God answered, "To me, it's a penny."
The man then asked, "God, can I have a penny?"
God answered, "In a minute."

I hope the humor as well as the profundity I have found in these stories is also evident to any others reading them here. May you also be blessed by them as I feel I have been in that the lessons in forgiveness and tolerence, Divine perspective versus that of the merely human, does seem to shine through in these three short tales - at least for me.

The cardinal is calling his territorial area in the backyard, guarding ahead of time his nestlings and mate who may not yet be present. He is a bright glint of red in an ever more beautiful Spring and the bright sun and blue sky also gladen the day with their warmth, light, and call to freedom from the merely earth-bound. My spirit may soar even if my feet must remain firmly attached here on our small planet; our small plot of land floating in its endless universe alone. Surely that fact alone should be enough to convince us to put down the guns and bombs and choose to embrace one another as brothers and sisters instead of constantly bickering enemies always searching for more reasons to continue to hate one another.

Izzlebug

P.S. Instead of finding reasons to condemn today, which are very easy to come by, try to find reasons to forgive, reasons to grant clemency, a reason not to kill, not to demand power, not to give in to the fear or a vicious religious dogma that would take the life of someone who is loved and rend your own soul in the process as well. Curse them, if you must, but leave them corporeally unharmed and allow yourself to wake up tomorrow knowing that salvation is still possible and they are truly in the hands of God Himself instead of beyond all hope and redemption.