Saying "Good-bye"

Before I begin, I would very much like to apologize for my irreverance of late especially my last posting. I was extremely overtired and stressed and this lessened my control over my natural irreverant streak, hence the toe-dandruff.

With that said and done, we have had some news of my aunt who is still clinging to life, although hovering so close to death every pause in her breathing must cause her family to almost stop breathing as well. Tears and hand-holding should be the order of the day during this time, as well as the retelling of silly and touching family stories and, perhaps, the singing or playing of favorite songs that have been treasured and shared over the years. Just some thoughts, as everyone's and every family's path through this time is uniquely their own, but hopefully a helpful comment for someone somewhere, nonetheless.

My uncle thought she would be gone before this past weekend was done, but my aunt has not yet fully given in to death. She is still able to respond somewhat to her children and I am sure she is still thinking of things she wishes she could be saying to each of them even now. I hope her only daughter knows how special she is and always has been to her mother despite the ups and downs of their relationship - we all go through stuff like that. I hope each of her sons knows how proud they made her and how blessed she has been by the grandchildren each of her children has produced for her and my uncle to love and share with them. Most of all I hope she had the time to tell my uncle, just that one last time, how very much she has loved him.

My dear, dear aunt! I know my presence would be an unwelcomed interruption right now, but please know that my heart and thoughts are with you and your family tonight. I know the time is soon when you will have to let go whether you want to or not. I hope you are able to take a last, very peaceful, breath knowing your job on this earth has been accomplished to the best of your ability, that the love your family holds in their hearts for you will be part of what keeps you alive in your afterlife, and that we will all be OK, although it will take some time for that to be fully realized. It always takes some time.

God bless you, my loving "Auntie Bert" whose wisdom defied educational credentials and whose compassion was determinedly expressed even though it was often difficult, at least that is how it felt sometimes to me. You are one of the wisest people I have ever known and your counsel kept me away from more self-loathing and self-condemnation than I can begin to explain clearly right now.

I also hope that someone has remembered to tell the story of when your eldest was just a little guy and asked his grandfather (?) for a "clear, cool glass of water." It is during times like this that those stories take on the special significance we do not always realize they carry.

I remember when your oldest grandchild was still just the littlest girl, with those crazy-beautiful red curls and running around in her diapers. Her mother and I were standing in the dining room when she gave out the funniest, trilling laugh I have ever heard issue from any child in my life. I wish I could send that laugh to you now to hear; I wish I could send it to her mother, my cousin, to hear again, too. I know its silly, but it seems to me that those are the things, the smallest and most ordinary things from our mutual lives, that bring the most comfort at these difficult, impossible times. They are the things we can still share with each other, even though one of us is dying and the rest grieving.

I love you.

Good-bye, my lovely auntie,
Izzlebug