Dear Mom,

It's been awhile since I last wrote. Sorry, but you must know by now what has been happening; at least, I hope you do. I am also hoping Mike has found his way to both you and Patty. That's half of our original family "there," and the other half still here. Please keep each other company until the rest of us make it to your new digs (terrible, terrible pun intended!), but please do not anticipate any of us too soon. We all like it here, as all of you did, and we hope to live to be very, very old and wrinkled before we journey your way. Always remember we loved you and will always love you - as far as love will last - you are forever loved!

Today has been a difficult day for me, Mom. One where I would really welcome your presence and advice, or just your shoulder to cry on. My heart overflows at times, or seems to want to, and I long for the relationship we had as mother and daughter, as well as the budding friendship I felt we were developing after so many disastrous turns during the biological relationship - read that as "teenage years."

What I want to talk to you about started with this really wonderful dream I had after my mastectomies. Not the time for wonderful dreams, as such, but I had one anyway. In the dream, for the first time in my life that I can recall, I felt truly beautiful. I do not routinely go around feeling odd and ugly and have, in the past, felt attractive, pretty, desirable, etc. I have also been happier than I ever thought I could be with my sweetie-pie, so I do not think the contrast within myself was the result of any neglect or lack of appreciation from the people who love me.

I think I just never truly believed I was beautiful and, therefore, was never able to feel beautiful. (I REALLY wish you were right here to talk to, Mom!) It was a wonderful dream. In addition to my getting to know what being beautiful felt like I also gained some insight into why so many women become obsessed with makeup, weight, clothing, men, and so on - to feel beautiful! In all of my fifty-plus years I don't know why I never seemed to twig to that.

In retrospect, my dream also has caused a concern for me. If it was possible for me to feel so beautiful, is it possible I could be instrumental in making my partner feel as virile and handsome as I felt feminine and beautiful? I admit I cried at the thought that I, we, were somehow missing a key ingredient in our relationship if we were not communicating this to one another. I love him so much, Mom! Perhaps we have just been through too much over the past few years; too much pain, too much illness, too much death.

Anyway, that is what has me missing you most right now. I admit it's selfish, but in this relationship I am the child, still and forever.

Please tell Patty and Mike I love them both very much and miss them every day. We all get on with our lives, but there are holes in our hearts that will never be filled until we meet again and greet one another with enormous hugs.

Your Daughter

P.S. Please also tell M. and P. I said, "MY Mommy!"