Life's Sweetness and Heartache

As I reread my most recent posts regarding my brother, the tears began to flow and I was reminded, again, that it has been only a couple of weeks or so since he died. The memories of those first few days feel like an eternity ago, but the pain of losing Mike is still more fresh than I often realize until some small thing - some word or visual reminder - brings him to mind and then the tears start afresh and my heart feels broken all over again.

One of the things I felt that I did not mention in my earlier post, following Mike's death, was that I very much wanted to go racing back to the funeral home with a blanket and cover him up with it, sort of "tucking him in" and making him "comfy." I know it was not rational, but it was one of the many reactions I had during the course of that miserable day. Even knowing he was gone and beyond my help and love I still wanted to take care of him!

Many of the roads I drive in our area now feel more lonely than before, since I would often traverse them on my way to visit Mike or to take him out to lunch. The first truly beautiful, brilliant day we had this Spring reminded me there would be no more picnics with Mike in the park, even if we just mostly ended up buying fast food and driving over there to eat it. Sometimes I was able to get it together enough to make the potato salad and sandwiches, as well as other treats, that constitute the more traditional picnic fare.

Mike would have been 52 this August. It will be difficult to keep myself from beginning the mental birthday shopping that has taken place every year of my adult life for so many years now. I will have to remind myself repeatedly that Mike is no longer here to enjoy any gifts I might find for him. Of course, those reminders are no guarantee the mental shopping will ever stop,as I still spot things now and then that I think Patty or my Mom would have enjoyed. It's only when the thoughts come in the present tense that they cause pain, and that does not happen so much as the passage of time heals and memories fade into soft pastels rather than vivid, bold, emotive hues.

The air tonight is soft and cool and caresses my skin, healing the reactions to the heat of the past two days. The feeling is soft; soft like a touch of love from my Mom - full of comfort and peace. Soft like the thoughts of love I have for my brother, my sister, Mom, as well as all those I have not yet had to say a final "good-bye" to, and I feel grateful as well as sad.

Putting my grief into words and placing them here has helped dry my eyes and calm my heartache. I only hope it may also help do the same for someone else who may need like comfort for the things happening in their own lives.

Love,
Izzlebug