The Remains Of My Day

I suppose too much reflection is not such a good thing at times, but it does seem to instigate revelatory thinking of the type that actually does help us gain insight - at least into ourselves. My big thing tonight is thinking about my sister, Patty. She is the sister with the two kids and the leukemia. I realize afresh, every so often, that I do not want to lose my sister. She is younger than I am and does not deserve this thing, this disease, that has become her life, or at least a lot of it, over the past months. I do not know if getting to the doctor a little earlier would have made any real difference, but it is hard to not kick yourself at least a little for not having noticed how wrong things actually were before her doctor gave her the bad news.
I think, also, a large part of what makes this all so difficult is that to feel that Patty may be slipping away from us leaves a hollow space in my heart that echoes of all of the loss and tragedy my family has had to deal with over the past thirty or so years. It gets to the point where you are not asking "Why me/us?" but you end up wondering how to continue coping. Patty's illness takes on the dimensions of a final blow for the heart of our family and I feel so small, so much a part of something good that is being eaten away instead of growing in strength and beauty as it should. Patty is supposed to be at both of her childrens' weddings. She is supposed to get to hold her first grandchild and to dote upon all of the riches a family is supposed to be heir to in this life. We hold onto each other and with each illness that threatens, with each loss, including the family pets, that grasp loosens and begins to slip until frantic fumbling and holding onto air seem to be all that is left. Oh, how I wish I could take everyone in my family and gather them into strong and loving arms that could protect them from all of the foibles and pain life has dished out to us!
I know there are many families more torn, more worn out, more damaged than ours, but ours is the lot I have to deal with and though I feel badly for those other families I cannot live their lives, or even take them upon myself, because I have us to deal with, tend to , and love.
I wonder about the fact that I am deliberately avoiding television shows and various articles about families who have lost their loved ones to what ever form of cancer runs rampant throughout their family genes. I realize I am avoiding the subject, that my fear and pain are determining the subject matter I allow myself to view. It is all so disorganized and frightening and it reminds me of the way, when I was little, I had my entire life laid out all very neatly and tidily. Everything good or bad was supposed to happen to me first because I am the oldest. It takes realizing that living your life is not supposed to be a competition but a task that helps put things more into perspective. Besides, this is a race with no winners, only losers, and I am hoping it is one that the cancer treatments have gotten my sister out of running.
As an adult you realize that life is full of wonder and miracles but that it is also full of pain and loss. Perhaps by refusing to face the pain of other people, other families, I am attempting, for a moment, to revert to that innocence lost with my maturity. Some people try to regain theirs through reason or religion, I am working on regaining mine through avoidance, although I suspect I will not succeed as well as others might. I am not "down" on religion, I am down on the use of it for purposes of escaping this life's requirements, for using it to opt out of having to deal with our inborn imperfections, our humanity. God does not let us off the hook for our sins during this lifetime and those fortunate enough to have the sort of life that has led them to believe otherwise are doing both life and God a major disservice. They do not see how fortunate they actually are because life's randomness effects them just as surely as it effects unbelievers; "the just and the unjust."
Having already lost the second half of my blog by trying to check the spelling, I will send this one through, warts and all. Perhaps that is the key to surviving this life - accepting it, warts and all, and "sending it through" whether it has been succesfully "spellchecked" or not.

Poetry for our mother:

Another Birthday, Mom

You seem so far, yet near;
The meager distance of a tear
Trailing down a weathering cheek.
Nature left no options,
We knew you were dying
But then you were so suddenly dead.
There was no time for conversations
About birthdays and other notions.
Not knowing what to do a tear or two
Is shed in honor of the day
As if you were merely "away."
Perhaps I'll light a candle on a cupcake,
Just in case. You can be
A puff of wind and blow the candle out,
But remember to make a wish first.
As a falling star, you can give me a wish.
It will be like old times, old birthdays.
We will spend the day together,
Heart in heart. Two souls entwined
Caressing my face, pretending to be tears.

Dear Mom,

There's still so much to tell you even though you're gone.
Forever is too long a time to wait
for heart's release. Old love will find its new dawn.

I know within Life's ebb and flow we long
to speak, to touch, to see; so we await.
There's still so much to tell you even though you're gone.

Sometimes I tremble, like some woodland fawn,
because my child-heart grieves for mother late;
for heart's release. Old love will find its new dawn.

So much to say with chances come and gone.
My heart's yearnings will not soon abate.
There's still so much to tell you even though you're gone.

Why does loss release Love's poignant song?
In life, so much is held and said too late
for heart's release. Old love will find its new dawn.

And so Life moves forever on and on.
For sweet reunion we with patience wait.
There's still so much to tell you even though you're gone.
For heart's release, old love will find its new dawn.

(for a missing friend)
To Grace

Dear heart! (for that you are!)
Words feebly express what shall be missed.
Pausing a moment in Time's progress,
Happily by Acquaintance kissed.
Bereft of the sun true friendship needs to flower
Yet, love seemed to spring so easily
In a minimum of hours.
God bless you, Grace.
Nothing less suffices.
You'll never know how
Truly loved you are
In spite of your irrascible devices.
A sweet "Adieux" on leaving
Since pain claims you for its own,
May love and heartfelt wishes
Help ease your journey home.

(just because)
Time

So much we have, and yet we have not much.
We run and panic looking for surcease
From Time's persistent marching on, and such,
Hoping for a little more, at least.

The panic comes as Time refuses rest
For those of us, too much, within its grasp.
We bemoan our sorrows, striving for our best,
As we long for some respite as repast.

Along, and long, we wend our weary way
Through vicious Time's distorted torture maze.
We cannot see the twists of fate that lie
Upon the path Time lays in measured days.

How do we fight such cunning and such guile?
We stop and rest among the flowers for awhile.