Am I Too Graphic Here?

I honestly do not know how many people may be reading any of my blog as no one has commented or emailed me about it, so I have no criticisms to help me determine whether I am getting too "adult" here, or not. My goals are to be as honest as possible in the hopes that it might be of some help or encouragement somehow to other people experiencing similar or multiple difficulties in their lives and to help me cope in my own. I apologize if anything I have written, or may write, sparks uncomfortable questions to parents or educators but I hope there are enough redeeming qualities to my ramblings that those questions are worth the time and patience for direct and honest answers.

Last night, after I posted here, I had a bit of a weep and then headed to bed. During the night I had some very strange and disconnected dreams but it is likely that speaking to a surgeon, a chemotherapy specialist, a radiation oncologist, and the many others associated with the processes involved in losing body parts to, and then treating, cancer over a four to five hour span of time in a single afternoon may tend to have that effect. At least I slept.

Because of my family's familiarity with the entire breast cancer issue I have not had to deal with feelings of things being surreal so much as just feeling somewhat overwhelmed by the news and the pace so far. But, for now, the tests - except for preadmission stuff - are done and I should have a couple of weeks, if not longer, in which to accomplish a few things that will hopefully make my recovery a little simpler. It is a blessing and a tragedy that I have so many people related to me I can turn to for comfort, information, and other forms of emotional support, but I am well supplied on those fronts. I am, very definitely, not alone in my struggles here. If wishing the same thing for everyone else going through such things were not such a double-edged sword, I would feel that we have something very special going on here, but at far too high a price.

Today is a new day, cold but bright, and I am going to go out and try to focus on other things for awhile. Errands of the day are minor but will still serve to distract and help keep me busy for a short time before I must return home and again deal with the near and looming future. Two other things that have also been playing themselves out during the past couple of weeks as well have been the hospitalizations of my 91 year old grandmother and my mentally ill younger brother. Both events were neither unexpected or particularly unusual given the age and conditions of these two VIPs in my life, just really badly timed, or maybe it was the news of my breast cancer that was so ill-timed: tomato, potato, etc.

On other fronts, I read of the tragic death of Sylvia Plath's son. I wish I could have somehow reached out and given him some grit or some hope. Just enough to get him through until the sun could shine on him again and a friend could call to say "Hello" and talk for awhile. Maybe then he would have changed his mind about wanting to die in the way he chose, taking his life as if it were worth nothing to anyone except himself. I hope that there has at least been some healing in the hereafter and that his mother and father were there to catch him as he fell.

I have also been seeing the news of the plane crashes costing children and entire families their lives, the multiple killings of police officers in California, the results of the now blatantly obvious greed of the AIG executives, and on and on and on. I have enough to deal with which is why I pick and choose and comment on very little else. I hope it is understood that I am trying to stay in touch, but being emotionally overwhelmed is becoming such a regular part of my everyday experience I am getting used to the refreshing little naps I take to recooperate and am afraid I may not be able to give them up when the are no longer required. I am, afterall, not in my dotage yet.

So, in a blatant rip-off of more talented poets than myself:

Blessings on the world at large
From mogul's palace
To garbage barge
May your days be bright and merry
And your future not so scary.

Love,
Izzlebug