In Retrospect Everything Moves Too Rapidly

Today is a rather slowly moving day, a little pleasanter weather-wise than yesterday, but still not quite the Spring weather hoped for and anticipated. It is a good day to pause and reflect here on my blog. It is also a good day to give myself a kick in the seat of my pants and make sure I do not waste another day in sulking and self-pity, which were my party companions of yesterday whether I realized I had invited them or not. I may manage to be a more cheerful person most of the time with others, but left to my own devices under these circumstances I find myself just sitting and doing a lot of nothing. Maybe this is usual for people when they are dealing with the issues I am currently facing and it is not an unusual state for me when faced with an overwhelming amount of stuff to get done or cope with, I just sort of wish I had the get up and go to manage myself a little differently during these crisis moments. At the very least I would get more accomplished around the house.

Be that the case or otherwise, it occurs to me a lot has taken place since the last time I blogged about the breast cancer issue. The entire question of losing both of my breasts at once and being left entirely flat chested was really beginning to weigh on my mind to the extent it was keeping me up until the very early morning hours. I realized that, for me, I would need some sort of reconstructive or plastic surgery in order not to be completely thrown off balance by the state of my body following the surgery. Due to my weight issues the only type of "reconstruction" viable for me is implants, so I will have to go flat for a while during the healing process as it will take time to stretch the skin in the appropriate areas in order to accommodate the implants, etc. I never realized how connected my self-image was to my body until I had to face these issues head on. I respect the decisions of those women who have chosen to remain without breasts (*see breastfree.org) and am very grateful for their courage and compassion in allowing themselves to be photographed so others in similar situations will know what to expect, but I am so used to having an ample bosom I was really not able to wrap my mind around having no bosom at all following all of this, so I am seeing the plastic surgeon for a consult in a few days.

I do not want breasts as large as what nature provided me with again, but something more esthetically pleasing and physically manageable will be very welcome to me. I am also not interested in the more extensive proceedures now in use for reconstructing breasts in which abdominal, or other, body fat and muscle tissues are utilized, especially not after seeing some of the pictures available that show the scarring of other areas of their bodies some women are willing to incur in order to have breasts again. I do not feel that I could face that kind of disfigurement to another part of my body for the sake of breasts, nor do I want to compromise the function of the muscles in my abdomen, back or behind for the same reason when implants appear to provide a reasonable result with no additional scarring elsewhere. I do find myself more interested in saline implants as opposed to silicone, though, and hope the surgeon agrees with my choice.

If anyone is interested in seeing any of what I have seen they can go to the website listed in the prior paragraph or enter "breast implants following mastectomies" in a Google image search which produced, at the time, 20,400 hits of photos and other images to wade through, some very graphic and tragic, others very helpful, and many totally useless. Someone has even created a comic book explaining cancer treatments, but I did not look at it too closely and so cannot comment upon its information.

In all of this I feel very fortunate to have friends and family members who are willing to accompany me to various appointments because, whether it shows or not, I am not having an easy time dealing with all of this and have spent the better part of the past two days trying to avoid dealing mentally with the issues at all. Today I am a little more able to pick up the pieces and proceed on a more rational level with my life so I figure that I must have needed the break. Later today I will try to get out of the house, tend to some housework after I get home, and just generally face the normal and everyday with a little more fortitude than I have had the past two days. I may even be able to slip in a short nap without compromising my resolve, as well. It should be a better day all around.

**Later in the day, following the aforementioned nap and upon awakening, I thought of something I would like to do. In this blog I can only tell my own story. I can also briefly mention the stories of those closest to me such as my three aunts, two of whom, my father's younger sisters, are breast cancer survivors, and one aunt by marriage who is suffering through Inflammatory Breast Cancer with "suffering" being the key word. The reason I hesitate to mention others here is because I do not know if it will be OK with them, how much to mention will be OK, etc. Basically, I need their direct permission to tell their stories from my perspective. These are three women who I have known my entire life and love; one is somewhat distant and wrapped up in her own set of troubles, one has been very forthcoming with her offerings of counsel to me on the questions I have had regarding what I am currently going through and also has a daughter with the same genetic mutation I have, and the third is dying bravely from a form of breast cancer few have heard of and few are that familiar with but that insidiously claims the lives of both young and old. I would like to try to tell some of their stories, as well as others and create a medium that could allow others to tell their own stories as well. We would be "A Thousand Voices Singing."

My sincerest hopes and prayers for anyone reading this is that life is not coming at you as hard and fast at it seems to come at us and that, if it is, you at least have the support we have for yourself and your loved ones. Blessings on all who may venture this far into cyberspace.

With Much Love,
Izzlebug