Decisions, Decisions

Since this past Wednesday it seems as if so much has gone on. I have also been feeling quite overwhelmed by the news of my having breast cancer and all that attends that in addition to all of the other things life has sent in our family's direction over the past couple of weeks. Today was the big meeting day with all of the doctors who will, or may, play pivotal roles in my treament and recovery. I'm exhausted yet restless enough that I am typing here on my blog rather than sleeping.

Since the issue of breast cancer and its many and varied treatments, etc. has been at the forefront of our family conciousness in many ways for the past several years, I have had more time than most to think about the potential issues involved in choosing which of the different potential approaches available would be best for me and why. Although I could have chosen to have a lumpectomy and a sentinal lymph node biopsy only, because of the presence of the mutated gene which I inherited, I have chosen instead to go ahead with mastectomies, which will leave me flat-chested for the first time since I was nine years old, but more symetrical (esthetics do come into this somewhat), and far less likely to ever develop breast cancer again although there is still a small possibility of it recurring because there is no way to know absolutely that every last cell of breast tissue has been removed. So, sometime within the next two to five or six weeks, I will be undergoing the surgery to relieve me of the cancer and both of my breasts. I'm not too sure how I am going to feel the first time I look down and see I no longer have my breasts, but I have a lot of very supportive people to help me through all of this and reconstruction is always a possibility later on, after I have had some recovery time and decided if I am more comfortable with or without breasts. It's kind of strange to be given a choice about something like this, but at least I have that choice which makes me feel a little better about going through the experience at all.

I have been composing a short poem to my boyfriend, who is being very supportive of my decision and this has helped me find the strength to make the choice that I believe is truly best for me in both the short and long term. It is untitled at present, but dedicated to Ross.

Things I know for certain I'll miss:
Your glance of pleasure,
Your tender, intimate kiss and
The trilling thrill of your caress
Upon my breasts.

We long ago survived our individual transitions
From single to monogamous.
I wonder how we'll handle those passions now
With my chest about to become
So egregiously non-erogenous?

Maybe I read too much Ogden Nash when I was younger. Oh, well.

I.