Let's Add Some More Confusion To The Mix

It occurred to me this evening, as I tried to settle down, a task made the more difficult by the side effects of the chemo treatment - I did survive afterall - and the ice cream I consumed too short a time ago, that the symptoms of my arhtritis coupled with the symptoms brought on by the chemotherapy are likely causing some confusion for the people who very kindly offer to help me in the grocery store who see me there but nowhere else. The chemo has added a lot of new, though seemingly minor, aches and pains that are more difficult to tolerate than the pains from the arthritis in knees and hip, but that have also changed the dynamic of the pain I normally deal with daily. There is also the fact that, not feeling well at all sometimes, I am getting more physical rest which helps lessen the arthritis pain and the chemo pain, but does not prevent such pain from regaining a foothold when I try to get up and about again. The part that must confuse others is that, from day to day, my pain can change and go from causing standing up to be excruciatingly painful to walking being the primary problem, although I think that may be more due to the chemo pain than the arthritis. There have been many times I have said with absolute conviction to others that the pain of standing up is the most painful part of my day, which it is on that day. It is also my most usual pain, in retrospect, but there are times I am able to stand up relatively free from that pain but then have difficulty with pain when walking. I recall mentioning this to my doctor and he said it is just the nature of the beast (so to speak) and fairly (my impression) typical of osteoarthritis. Of course, the chemo is now adding its own special brand of pain to the entire equation.

At least I can still taste the ice cream despite the chemo; french fries are almost a total bust, however, as is diet cola. I can't really eat anything too tart or acidic anymore because I find it is already starting to make my mouth a little sore and my appetite is capricious in ways I can hardly explain and find it difficult to cope with on a day to day basis. I know we'll get through all of this without going completely around the bend, but at the moment that feels debatable.

So much for the daily grouse session. I did get to see someone in the grocery store today that I had been meaning to call back for quite awhile. It is a woman who very kindly gave me a ride out to the hospital when my significant other was unavailable and I had no other way to get over there because of restrictions following surgery. It was really nice to be able to touch base and get caught up with her as well as to apologize for my not getting back to her during the interim period. If anyone understands about feeling overwhelmed by all of the surgeries and treatments, appointments and telephone calls inherent to this entire process, it is someone who has been there too, and she has. I am so grateful for the support and good, kind wishes of all of the women I have encountered, even if it has been for only a few moments, who have reached out to me during this time I am going through. I hope I am able to return at least as much to others as I encounter them along my path as well. The strength I have drawn from these meetings cannot be explained or easily expressed, nor can the beauty and bravery of these women I have met. God bless every one of them!

I am going to try to get out each day for at least a little while as I find that given too much time on my hands I start to dwell on the fact that I will be losing my hair in a little over a week. Me bald and shiny is not something I have ever had to contemplate before and I am not enjoying it now. I have all of my scarves (all new - I did not want to feel the stories behind used scarves) and my sun hat (critiqued by a friend who pronounced it the right hat for me) and my SPF100 sunblock. Now I wait for my greying locks to start coming out in strange clumps here and there while I debate whether it is better to look as if I have mange or just to go ahead and cut as much of the remaining hair off as possible; the second option is the most likely to be exercised, but I will cry.

It has also been pointed out to me that the chemo treatments will become more difficult to cope with each time, but my sister reminded me that I was already one down with "only" three more to go. I really wish someone would send me some lovely flowers or something, not that they would actually help but they might make me feel a little better for awhile - sigh, sigh, sigh!

It seems as if the rest of my life has been forced into a holding pattern by all of this other stuff. Where before my life was so full of pets and relatives, the life around me and my concerns for others; vast energies spent elsewhere, I am now forced by necessity to pay most of my attention in the direction of myself - yuch! (Well, maybe it's not that bad, but it still is not much fun!)

Perhaps I will begin to feel well enough to write some poetry or take a brief trip to some lovely spot I can report about here; try to grab back some of my life instead of letting the chemo completely take over everything. That should be a very healing thing I can actually manage to accomplish.

Blessings, good health, and peace.
Izzlebug