Normalcy Fills The Void

Tonight I looked at a photo of Patty and my niece together, smiling. Patty was wearing one of her chemo scarves and my niece's eyes looked sad even though she was smiling for the camera and her Mom. I realized then that I had not felt that stabbing grief, that vast loneliness and emptiness for quite sometime; normalcy had crept slowly and inexorably back in and filled the void in my heart and mind where Patty's life used to take precedence. The areas that were filled by my relationship with my younger sister, left so achingly and devastatingly empty upon her demise, had been slowly filled again by life, mine, my niece and nephews', my other sister's, my brother, my boyfriend, the cats, and so on. It was after I saw this that I once again felt the grief I had not noticed missing until that moment of reflection. And so I write.

It initially started with the sensation of unreality as I looked at Patty's picture and experienced a feeling almost as if she had never even been here, that brought about the realization that the normal and everyday had packed the wounds and forced a healing that would have seemed indecent somehow if it had been a calculated and deliberate action or decision but was never either of those things. The memories needed little encouragement from that point and there we were, with more writing material than I wanted or anticipated and fond, sad thoughts of a sister whose vitality and vivacity gave more to my life than I can truly express in mere words. I must live what Patty's life gave me or it will never be communicated properly.

One of the venues for that communication is with my niece who, I think, objects to what she sees as "mothering" from me without understanding that all I am doing is "aunting" her. It does not help that I may also remind her of her Mom in ways neither of us is fully concious of on a day to day basis. My voice may sometimes sound like her Mom's, my profile, my mannerisms, some of my funny quirks of speech or expression - Patty and I were sisters, and I can only hope that my niece's relationship with her older half-sister will somehow grant her the understanding of how close that relationship can make you whether you intend it to or not. It is something born of a lifetime of relationship and genetic familiarity and not easily escaped. I also hope my niece will be able to forgive me for reminding her so much of her mother, it is very unconciously done.

Blessings and Love,
Izzlebug