Another Conundrum of My Life

I really do not know how to write what I need to write at the moment, but I will try.

Due to a disagreement between my sister and me, I will not be able to share anymore updates about her struggles with leukemia with those of you who may be interested in such things. Suffice it to say, I have been cast eternally into her outer darkness and have been cut off from contact with or about her. Please do not let your imaginations get too frisky here, as your guesses about the situation would likely be exaggerated and incorrect. There were not any raised voices between us, just a lot of unfinished stuff from our having been sisters for so many decades and our not seeing eye to eye on certain things. Not seeing me, though, was and is Patty's choice, as is the keeping me from knowing what is going on with her treatments, etc.

The really sad thing is that this type of thing has been going on between us practically our entire lives and, try as I have, it has never really been overcome by either of us - she is adamant and I am unclear as to exactly what to do except, as was suggested by another family member, lie to her about things, and that I will not do. The trouble is that, right now, Patty seems to need the lies. In this situation, which has me feeling a little desperate but not surprised, Patty seems to have given up on a lot that she would normally have had the energy to at least face, if not fight, and it makes me feel that, instead of hoping to live, what energies she does manage to garner are being spent on planning to die. Perhaps it is that I have not been told her case is without any real hope (I hope this is not the case), or that Patty herself has just reached a point where she feels more comfortable with the thought of dying than with continuing to live. I do not know.

It is also odd that, on this day of very sad sisters, the sun has broken throught the clouds and rain and is doing its utmost to stream in through the windows. The sky is a perfect "summer day" blue with just a few wisps of clouds present left to testify to the fact that rain does exist but is blissfully and thankfully absent for the moment. There is also an overweight bluejay living in our yard with his more comely compatriots. I wonder if, in bluejay society, they also call him names like "Fatty" and make fun of him, as people are so inclined to do, or if they accept him and do not worry if he takes a while longer to catch up to them as they forage for seeds and water in our strangely chill New England Spring weather. I would like to get a photograph (if I can find my camera, etc.) so others can see that humans are not the only creatures with obesity issues. Yet, he looks reasonably cheerful and seems well able to fly about, escaping danger or chasing sunbeams, as the mood of the moment may dictate - I do not know what bluejays do for fun after their communal meals on our deck railing, but it must be something they really enjoy, as they look like they have had a good time when they finally arrive at this portion of their morning rounds.

Any insights into sisters with leukemia or bluejay behaviors that anyone reading this blog may have to offer will be most welcome. I love Patty and, even if the bitterness and resentment she seems to harbor toward me never dissipates, I will always hope she is one of the many who do manage to recover, that she will live a long and happy life with her children, watching them grow, get out into lives of their own, and maybe eventually having families and children of their own.

I would like to think my sister will get to be there for her first grandchild, get to hold the little girl or little boy on her lap and feel what grandparents get to feel when that happens for the very first time. It is a special treat that I will never get to share, not because of the outer darkness thing but, because I do not have any children of my own. I hope Patty still has many sunny and wonderful days ahead of her that she will be able to share with her children and the rest of the family (exception as noted above). I hope there are family celebrations and quiet moments of great love yet to be seen in her life, as they cannot be present right now if all she is doing is choosing to live her death ahead of time.

I hope that God is very kind in a human- perceptable way to my sister and her children and that, whether miracualous or not in the sense of divine intervention, He lets her live. If that is not to be I hope Patty chooses to live with everything she has until she is no longer able to manage it, so she and her kids will have nothing except love and the best times possible to recall when all is said and done. Perhaps she is not aware of how much their happiness now and then depends upon her and her attitudes, her actions and her choices. If she is depressed, which I would think is very likely under the circumstances, I hope there is someone she finds she can confide in whose advice will be both wise and comforting, and that she will manage to focus on acquiring the energy she needs to live her life, however much of that she may be granted, rather than dwell in the gloom of an impending death that medical science may yet be able to stave off for a number of years yet to come. This is everything I can give Patty right now, and it is given willingly and freely in the hope that she will be able to take joy in the precious parts of her life that are still vital and flowing, waiting for her return from the hospital and as determined to stay with her as her own skin.

To my precious sister, Patty, I send my best hopes, thoughts and love, and because she has chosen to not have me present in her life for the time being, I also send my forgiveness in the hope that she will, someday, also be able to send the same to me.

Izzlebug