I Hope This Might Help Someone

I was just thinking about my sister and her two children and how they have been so affected by Patty's having leukemia. I do not know what to say to them and I do not dare to reveal to them everything in my heart and mind for fear it could cause them some additional trouble when they already have so much to cope with and are doing their best to make it through all of this and survive. How can you tell your 17-year-old nephew and your 9-year-old niece that you wake up everyday afraid; afraid of what is happening, afraid of what might happen, afraid of the pain you know life brings sometimes in such a continuous thread there is no removing it from the fabric of your life as it is being woven? I am afraid of losing my sister, afraid of how such a thing will effect her children whom I love so much, afraid of the pain that could come but hopefully will not for a long, long time.

Then I look back at what I have written and see the words "love" and "hopefully" and feel as if maybe I have the answer; but how do I give it to those I love while the fear and pain are upon me? Do I tell them as honestly as I can that I am afraid everyday? Do I let them know that all that keeps me from going crazy is the hope that the worst possible scenario will not play out, yet again, in all of our lives? I do tell them I love them and try to remind them that there is hope; that Patty may yet beat this thing and be around for many, many years yet, but then the fear returns and claims my heart and I cry as I write about all of these troubles we are going through. It makes me wonder if I have tried so hard to keep hope alive for others that I may have inadvertantly snuffed it out in my own heart; fed it too many fears and heartaches.

Unburdening myself here does seem to help, but I do this primarily in the hope that it may, somehow, also help someone else who is struggling with similar, or even more trying, circumstances. Even reminding myself that life moves continuously forward no matter the circumstances of our lives becomes a test of my will to face each new day, but I continue, even through the tears, to get up, do homework and housework (although that is still a chore I do not embrace quite as enthusiastically as I should, so the excuse for not getting as much done there is still a little too welcome!), tend to and love the kitties, worry about my boyfriend, and so on. I also realize that, whatever my burdens may be in all of this, that Patty and her children, our father, step-mother, and grandmother, are carrying far more than I am simply because of their places in all of this - within our family; within their hearts. They were all witness, far more than I, of the moment of life that was given to my sister and they are the ones who will feel it the most if that life must walk the path of death too early. Theirs is the heavier grief; the more profound. Their hearts will break, as will mine, but they have the added burdens of my heart, my brother's heart, and the heart of our youngest sister, to whom Patty has turned greatly during all of the trauma and troubles, to carry also, whether we will them to, or not.

The sun is playing hide and seek with the clouds, much like the hope and fear that quickly switch places in their seemingly unending dance within my being. I wonder where my favorite clowns, the bluejays, are hiding and wish that we might all live a more carefree existence someday...

Someday when my sister is better, someday when the sun shines with a joyous radiance beyond our ability to explain, someday when there is peace upon the face of the earth; someday.