How Low Can We Go?

After re-reading my last two posts I realize how very much like the children we used to be my two sisters and I still are in our relationships with one another. The only difference is the situation with Patty's leukemia, which puts an entirely new and frightening slant upon the dysfunctionalities we have always displayed and, indeed, have been clinging to for all of these years, for whatever reason. You would think that something so familiar and so obvious would be fairly simple to overcome, but this is not the case despite repeated attempts on all of our parts to do so.

Well, we are all still here, for however long that may be, and each day is a new opportunity to resolve these issues and move forward, together, in our relationship as sisters. Now we will just have to wait to se how that plays out, in the meantime though, the mean and horrible Izzlebug is going to take a few deep and cleansing breathes and enjoy the peace that results from not having to deal directly with the over-wrought emotions of two other people in addition to her own.

As I have said before, I will always love Patty and "She-who-has-no-name" (having declined being so named in her elder sister's blog), and I will always worry about them, care whether anything bad may be happening in their lives, love and care about my niece and nephew, and want be there if they choose to call or not. I cannot, at this point, do anything more and love precludes my being or doing anything less. It is by Patty's choice we are not in touch right now and, although I feel strongly we have things that need talking about, I will not force a discussion she does not want upon her which means that the silence is our only recourse for the time being. I worry about Patty's health - for more than obvious reasons, I think - and want to be there for her and the kids but she, by her determined choice of words and her continued insistence upon what does not allow our relationship to be a healthy one, decrees this silence. I know she is ill and that it is likely affecting what she says much of the time as well as how she says it but, once said and heard there is no taking it back without some discussion, and Patty does not feel up to having one right now; again, because of the illness.

If there is anyone who has had any experience with this type of thing out there, who reads this, please be aware that any constructive criticism or generally helpful hints would be most welcome to me right now. In the absence of those however, I choose to respect Patty's last statements to me and I will stay away until my presence is requested, which it may never be again for all I know. In the meantime, I have a life and an education to attend to, I have my boyfriend and our cats, I have the many, many chores that were put on hold while I finished my undergraduate degree, and there are our friends, who are not as inconsequential as their being mentioned last may seem to indicate. I still have relationships with our Dad and step-mother and our brother (for the moment at least, as the dysfunctionality our family has so painstakingly developed over the years sometimes encroaches there as well) and other family members too.

We are finally experiencing the warmth and sunshine that the advent of Spring seems to promise, but which has not been much in evidence so far. The ceiling fan is circulating the soft, warm air and the neighbor's dog barks an occasional comment into this same air at other dogs, birds, cats, flying things, or what ever else a dog may bark at on a beautiful day like this. There is the gentle sound of falling water emanating from the kitty fountain, and it is too warm and bright for the birds, as they seem to have all disappeared somewhere into the shadows of the treeline. This is a day to relax, get some quiet tasks completed, read stretched out in a chair just out of reach of the sunlight, or nap. Despite exhaust emissions, pollen counts, global warming, and dissident sisters, this day is soft in its beauty, and quiet and warm in its existence; a day for gentle miracles of healing for the soul, mind, and heart. Even the hum of several computers all running in tandem does not feel or seem at all out of place today. It is a day of things being where they should be, whether those places have been wrought by trauma of some sort or not; whether there is no peace anywhere else on this planet; this day is serene and peaceful in its execution, soft in its presence.

I hope my sisters, brother, and Dad and step-mother are experiencing some of this as well; it is good for the soul to have a day such as this in the midst of all the trials and tragedies of which human lives are so many times composed. I wish I could take the breath of this day and send it, via the spirits of all of us, to both of my sisters, breathing peace into all of our hearts and minds, if only for one very brief and healing moment. I also wish they could know how much I truly love and care for them, but they would not believe that right now, so I do not try for the moment.

There will be cards sent, news received via familial lines of communication that remain unbroken, and at some point, perhaps, a discussion will evolve, but it will take a long time. I hope it is time Patty has, because I hope she will have many more years to spend in which there may finally be room for this discussion, because I hope my nephew and niece have their mother with them for a long while yet to come, because I hope "She-who-has-no-name" will eventually manage to get hold of her emotions and gain control of her fears, and because I still long for a true and viable cure for our brother's illness, as well. We are all so frail, yet so strong, it can be confusing, frightening and painful as well as wonderful, inspiring, and joyful just to be alive.

My love and best wishes to all of you. May your lives be simpler, your relationships more peaceful, and your hearts more pure and strong than ours are at this moment.

Izzlebug