How Low Can We Go?

After re-reading my last two posts I realize how very much like the children we used to be my two sisters and I still are in our relationships with one another. The only difference is the situation with Patty's leukemia, which puts an entirely new and frightening slant upon the dysfunctionalities we have always displayed and, indeed, have been clinging to for all of these years, for whatever reason. You would think that something so familiar and so obvious would be fairly simple to overcome, but this is not the case despite repeated attempts on all of our parts to do so.

Well, we are all still here, for however long that may be, and each day is a new opportunity to resolve these issues and move forward, together, in our relationship as sisters. Now we will just have to wait to se how that plays out, in the meantime though, the mean and horrible Izzlebug is going to take a few deep and cleansing breathes and enjoy the peace that results from not having to deal directly with the over-wrought emotions of two other people in addition to her own.

As I have said before, I will always love Patty and "She-who-has-no-name" (having declined being so named in her elder sister's blog), and I will always worry about them, care whether anything bad may be happening in their lives, love and care about my niece and nephew, and want be there if they choose to call or not. I cannot, at this point, do anything more and love precludes my being or doing anything less. It is by Patty's choice we are not in touch right now and, although I feel strongly we have things that need talking about, I will not force a discussion she does not want upon her which means that the silence is our only recourse for the time being. I worry about Patty's health - for more than obvious reasons, I think - and want to be there for her and the kids but she, by her determined choice of words and her continued insistence upon what does not allow our relationship to be a healthy one, decrees this silence. I know she is ill and that it is likely affecting what she says much of the time as well as how she says it but, once said and heard there is no taking it back without some discussion, and Patty does not feel up to having one right now; again, because of the illness.

If there is anyone who has had any experience with this type of thing out there, who reads this, please be aware that any constructive criticism or generally helpful hints would be most welcome to me right now. In the absence of those however, I choose to respect Patty's last statements to me and I will stay away until my presence is requested, which it may never be again for all I know. In the meantime, I have a life and an education to attend to, I have my boyfriend and our cats, I have the many, many chores that were put on hold while I finished my undergraduate degree, and there are our friends, who are not as inconsequential as their being mentioned last may seem to indicate. I still have relationships with our Dad and step-mother and our brother (for the moment at least, as the dysfunctionality our family has so painstakingly developed over the years sometimes encroaches there as well) and other family members too.

We are finally experiencing the warmth and sunshine that the advent of Spring seems to promise, but which has not been much in evidence so far. The ceiling fan is circulating the soft, warm air and the neighbor's dog barks an occasional comment into this same air at other dogs, birds, cats, flying things, or what ever else a dog may bark at on a beautiful day like this. There is the gentle sound of falling water emanating from the kitty fountain, and it is too warm and bright for the birds, as they seem to have all disappeared somewhere into the shadows of the treeline. This is a day to relax, get some quiet tasks completed, read stretched out in a chair just out of reach of the sunlight, or nap. Despite exhaust emissions, pollen counts, global warming, and dissident sisters, this day is soft in its beauty, and quiet and warm in its existence; a day for gentle miracles of healing for the soul, mind, and heart. Even the hum of several computers all running in tandem does not feel or seem at all out of place today. It is a day of things being where they should be, whether those places have been wrought by trauma of some sort or not; whether there is no peace anywhere else on this planet; this day is serene and peaceful in its execution, soft in its presence.

I hope my sisters, brother, and Dad and step-mother are experiencing some of this as well; it is good for the soul to have a day such as this in the midst of all the trials and tragedies of which human lives are so many times composed. I wish I could take the breath of this day and send it, via the spirits of all of us, to both of my sisters, breathing peace into all of our hearts and minds, if only for one very brief and healing moment. I also wish they could know how much I truly love and care for them, but they would not believe that right now, so I do not try for the moment.

There will be cards sent, news received via familial lines of communication that remain unbroken, and at some point, perhaps, a discussion will evolve, but it will take a long time. I hope it is time Patty has, because I hope she will have many more years to spend in which there may finally be room for this discussion, because I hope my nephew and niece have their mother with them for a long while yet to come, because I hope "She-who-has-no-name" will eventually manage to get hold of her emotions and gain control of her fears, and because I still long for a true and viable cure for our brother's illness, as well. We are all so frail, yet so strong, it can be confusing, frightening and painful as well as wonderful, inspiring, and joyful just to be alive.

My love and best wishes to all of you. May your lives be simpler, your relationships more peaceful, and your hearts more pure and strong than ours are at this moment.

Izzlebug

Loss and Grief

I Love You

There will be no funeral in my heart today
Although we are forever gone our seperate ways
Because my hope for you will always be
A life lived well, happily, and fully.
We go our seperate ways,
With neither looking back;
I wish I could have been the one
Whose love and heart had meant
Something more to you, but it was not to be.
If time ever softens your heart
I hope you manage to think of me
kindly.

While love may hold many mysteries
Hatred, derision, and contempt do not.
They are killers from the start
And having settled in your heart
Far too long ago to leave
Any room for a sister
You never really knew;
Or perhaps the problem stemmed
From my being too much like you.

Another Conundrum of My Life

I really do not know how to write what I need to write at the moment, but I will try.

Due to a disagreement between my sister and me, I will not be able to share anymore updates about her struggles with leukemia with those of you who may be interested in such things. Suffice it to say, I have been cast eternally into her outer darkness and have been cut off from contact with or about her. Please do not let your imaginations get too frisky here, as your guesses about the situation would likely be exaggerated and incorrect. There were not any raised voices between us, just a lot of unfinished stuff from our having been sisters for so many decades and our not seeing eye to eye on certain things. Not seeing me, though, was and is Patty's choice, as is the keeping me from knowing what is going on with her treatments, etc.

The really sad thing is that this type of thing has been going on between us practically our entire lives and, try as I have, it has never really been overcome by either of us - she is adamant and I am unclear as to exactly what to do except, as was suggested by another family member, lie to her about things, and that I will not do. The trouble is that, right now, Patty seems to need the lies. In this situation, which has me feeling a little desperate but not surprised, Patty seems to have given up on a lot that she would normally have had the energy to at least face, if not fight, and it makes me feel that, instead of hoping to live, what energies she does manage to garner are being spent on planning to die. Perhaps it is that I have not been told her case is without any real hope (I hope this is not the case), or that Patty herself has just reached a point where she feels more comfortable with the thought of dying than with continuing to live. I do not know.

It is also odd that, on this day of very sad sisters, the sun has broken throught the clouds and rain and is doing its utmost to stream in through the windows. The sky is a perfect "summer day" blue with just a few wisps of clouds present left to testify to the fact that rain does exist but is blissfully and thankfully absent for the moment. There is also an overweight bluejay living in our yard with his more comely compatriots. I wonder if, in bluejay society, they also call him names like "Fatty" and make fun of him, as people are so inclined to do, or if they accept him and do not worry if he takes a while longer to catch up to them as they forage for seeds and water in our strangely chill New England Spring weather. I would like to get a photograph (if I can find my camera, etc.) so others can see that humans are not the only creatures with obesity issues. Yet, he looks reasonably cheerful and seems well able to fly about, escaping danger or chasing sunbeams, as the mood of the moment may dictate - I do not know what bluejays do for fun after their communal meals on our deck railing, but it must be something they really enjoy, as they look like they have had a good time when they finally arrive at this portion of their morning rounds.

Any insights into sisters with leukemia or bluejay behaviors that anyone reading this blog may have to offer will be most welcome. I love Patty and, even if the bitterness and resentment she seems to harbor toward me never dissipates, I will always hope she is one of the many who do manage to recover, that she will live a long and happy life with her children, watching them grow, get out into lives of their own, and maybe eventually having families and children of their own.

I would like to think my sister will get to be there for her first grandchild, get to hold the little girl or little boy on her lap and feel what grandparents get to feel when that happens for the very first time. It is a special treat that I will never get to share, not because of the outer darkness thing but, because I do not have any children of my own. I hope Patty still has many sunny and wonderful days ahead of her that she will be able to share with her children and the rest of the family (exception as noted above). I hope there are family celebrations and quiet moments of great love yet to be seen in her life, as they cannot be present right now if all she is doing is choosing to live her death ahead of time.

I hope that God is very kind in a human- perceptable way to my sister and her children and that, whether miracualous or not in the sense of divine intervention, He lets her live. If that is not to be I hope Patty chooses to live with everything she has until she is no longer able to manage it, so she and her kids will have nothing except love and the best times possible to recall when all is said and done. Perhaps she is not aware of how much their happiness now and then depends upon her and her attitudes, her actions and her choices. If she is depressed, which I would think is very likely under the circumstances, I hope there is someone she finds she can confide in whose advice will be both wise and comforting, and that she will manage to focus on acquiring the energy she needs to live her life, however much of that she may be granted, rather than dwell in the gloom of an impending death that medical science may yet be able to stave off for a number of years yet to come. This is everything I can give Patty right now, and it is given willingly and freely in the hope that she will be able to take joy in the precious parts of her life that are still vital and flowing, waiting for her return from the hospital and as determined to stay with her as her own skin.

To my precious sister, Patty, I send my best hopes, thoughts and love, and because she has chosen to not have me present in her life for the time being, I also send my forgiveness in the hope that she will, someday, also be able to send the same to me.

Izzlebug

World Peace or Whirled Peas; Is There a Difference?

Lately I have been trying, in addition to everything else, to learn the words and tune to "Let There Be Peace On Earth." (I'll include the lyrics I found to the song at the end of this blog posting.) It has made me wonder if world peace may, indeed, be a possibility or whether it is a merely Utopian dream that can never be fully realized. I feel strongly that world peace may very well be possible where a Utopian society is not.

Part of reaching for world peace has to be done with the recognition that "perfect" is impossible in an imperfect world, for one thing. World peace can become a practical, political reality - granted with tremendous difficulties - but we need to realize a few things before it can take its place in the lives of humanity at large. Firstly, we need to acknowledge that there will still be crime; that creeps, jerks, liars, cheapskates, adulterers, and selfishness in all of its many forms will still be very much with us. There will still be murders and car accidents, babies will still die of hunger, natural disasters will still take their toll, children will still be abused, ignorance will still run rampant, and cures for the most deadly diseases may never be found; all of these things will still exist even if world peace is achieved. This makes the concept much less appealing, but it is necessary to mention all of these negative aspects in order to get at the core of what a genuine and lasting world peace might entail.

The one major criteria for a formal world peace is, and must remain, an end to war on both national and international levels with there being no military interventions in civil affairs permitted unless absolutely necessary, and that type of decision would have to become subject to a world court of some sort in order to be enforceable. Negotiations for world peace might also have to involve a mutual agreement to forbid or end certain totalitarian or dictatorial types of government and outlaw genocides and political imprisonments across the board, which many countries, if not all, might find too difficult to condescend to when everyone would want to be the ones in charge.

Another venue that would have to be discussed that might pose major roadblocks is the desire of most major world religions for their religion to be the one in charge of everything. This is, perhaps laudable in that it is a sign many people are seeking of have found a moral compass that suits them, but no one religion can be permitted so much political power as that, unless what we want is not truly world peace but merely the selfish and despotic ambition for world domination. This is also one reason the church and the state desperately need to remain seperate. It needs to be enough to have a very general recognition at the national level of the majority religious affiliation, but religious concerns and beliefs need to be kept firmly and resolutely out of governmental venues except on the personal level, with each individual acting according to their own good conscience as they participate in the running of their country, city, town, or home. This alone would ensure a freedom of religion that would be critical to preserving the very diversity that, aside from causing the frictions we must live with every day, makes this world such an interesting and special entity and so very worth preserving and fostering. It is only when we stop threatening or feeling threatened by the religious beliefs of others that we will be able to take a positive step forward toward world peace. In light of the current climate in which every nation and every person presently exists, this one step may be the most important to achieving such a goal and is certainly at least one of the most necessary.

It would also likely involve some discussion about the potential creation of a single world-wide governmental system, but I would oppose this as being one of the most potentailly harmful ideas to the world at large and to the many and varied societies, cultures, and religions this world possesses. This would mean that each nation would have to remain autonomous but willing to acquiesce to a world tribunal on matters of peace and military interventions at the state or country level, which, in turn, would hopefully prevent any need for the same at international levels.

Negotiations for a practical and realistic world peace would also have to take into consideration all of the most basic reasons nations have made war in the past, among them the fight to procure natural resources with which to care for their native populations. There can be no true world peace without the conviction and willingness required to alleviate the problems of famine and rampant disease found in most, if not all, third world countries by those countries more blessed in natural resources and scientific benefit. The world cannot move into an era of genuine peace without addressing the problems that might reasonably threaten such a peace almost immediately upon its being mutually declared. There would also have to be a redistribution of many of the worlds resources in order to allow those nations whose poverty exceeds their GNP to revive and survive, while also stopping the overuse and abuse of highly abundant resources available elsewhere.

There are also many global issues that would have to be recognized and regulated as aptly as possible, global warming and its catastrophic effects upon various environments and the weather world-wide, being one of the most urgent.

A more egalitarian policy toward the general world population would have to be adopted,with sufficient safeguards put in place to ensure that the world would never again be ruled solely by those with the most guns or who lived their lives clad in the protections of being members of the top 2% financially of the entire population. This would mean that certain political schemes and practices and many traditions of business and power playing would have to be relegated to the trash heap - this would definitely cause a few ripples in the waterworks, but anyone who believes this would all be fairly simple needs to climb out of their personal dream world and back into reality.

Most, if not all, nations would have to be willing to transition their governments into a more democratic direction and many current world leaders would have to be willing to step down. The general population would also have to have certain assurances, such as their leaders no longer being able to live above the laws required of the majority of the inhabitants of this earth. There could be no more executive privileges extended in order to whitewash blatantly criminal behavior and the methods of selection for government officials and heads of state would have to become sufficiently objective in order to prevent any one person in any one country from ever gaining a majority of power either politically or militarily; no more dictators, despots, tyrants, murderers, or thieves. My personal preference for selection of the leadership is to utilize a process similar to our current jury selection process, with service being obligatory, recompense in line with the median national income, and certain guidelines as to education and character being tantemount. This would preclude most of today's world leadership but "That's the way the cookie crumbles!"

It also might surprise some people to realize that, in their pursuits of diplomacy and finding solutions to tense or volatile world class issues, they have already been working in this direction for quite some time. Perhaps the time is coming when all such activities and efforts will finally be classfied according to their level of importance in the pursuit of world peace and will, eventually, help clarify just what roads must be taken more assiduously than others, what concessions are truly the most critical, and just how world peace should be defined in order to make it clear that it is not merely some Utopian dream, but a concrete and genuine potential in which we can all participate and share.

Lastly, at least for now, is the fact that all of this would be taking place over several years, if not decades. Changes this radical cannot take place overnight, next week, next month, or even next year. They have to be planned, thought about, discussed and worked on by any number of people adept at their chosen task and well educated in their fields. Major problems such as world hunger and famine, disaster relief and the restraining of political corruption must still be worked on at the lower levels until a working world peace can be discovered and implemented. It is a miracle of major proportions that will take time to evolve, but it is a goal worth fighting for, worth pursuing, and worth the wait; it is the one, true miracle God may have placed solely in human hands.

Presented to all of you in love and hope for a brighter and better future for all of us,

Izzlebug

"Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me.
Let there be peace on earth,
the peace that was meant to be.
United here together,
we are family.
Let us walk with each other
in perfect harmony.

Let peace begin with me,
let this be the moment now;
with every step I take
let this be my solemn vow:
to take each moment,
and live each moment
in peace eternally.

Let there be peace on earth
and let it begin with me."

Author Unknown

I Hope This Might Help Someone

I was just thinking about my sister and her two children and how they have been so affected by Patty's having leukemia. I do not know what to say to them and I do not dare to reveal to them everything in my heart and mind for fear it could cause them some additional trouble when they already have so much to cope with and are doing their best to make it through all of this and survive. How can you tell your 17-year-old nephew and your 9-year-old niece that you wake up everyday afraid; afraid of what is happening, afraid of what might happen, afraid of the pain you know life brings sometimes in such a continuous thread there is no removing it from the fabric of your life as it is being woven? I am afraid of losing my sister, afraid of how such a thing will effect her children whom I love so much, afraid of the pain that could come but hopefully will not for a long, long time.

Then I look back at what I have written and see the words "love" and "hopefully" and feel as if maybe I have the answer; but how do I give it to those I love while the fear and pain are upon me? Do I tell them as honestly as I can that I am afraid everyday? Do I let them know that all that keeps me from going crazy is the hope that the worst possible scenario will not play out, yet again, in all of our lives? I do tell them I love them and try to remind them that there is hope; that Patty may yet beat this thing and be around for many, many years yet, but then the fear returns and claims my heart and I cry as I write about all of these troubles we are going through. It makes me wonder if I have tried so hard to keep hope alive for others that I may have inadvertantly snuffed it out in my own heart; fed it too many fears and heartaches.

Unburdening myself here does seem to help, but I do this primarily in the hope that it may, somehow, also help someone else who is struggling with similar, or even more trying, circumstances. Even reminding myself that life moves continuously forward no matter the circumstances of our lives becomes a test of my will to face each new day, but I continue, even through the tears, to get up, do homework and housework (although that is still a chore I do not embrace quite as enthusiastically as I should, so the excuse for not getting as much done there is still a little too welcome!), tend to and love the kitties, worry about my boyfriend, and so on. I also realize that, whatever my burdens may be in all of this, that Patty and her children, our father, step-mother, and grandmother, are carrying far more than I am simply because of their places in all of this - within our family; within their hearts. They were all witness, far more than I, of the moment of life that was given to my sister and they are the ones who will feel it the most if that life must walk the path of death too early. Theirs is the heavier grief; the more profound. Their hearts will break, as will mine, but they have the added burdens of my heart, my brother's heart, and the heart of our youngest sister, to whom Patty has turned greatly during all of the trauma and troubles, to carry also, whether we will them to, or not.

The sun is playing hide and seek with the clouds, much like the hope and fear that quickly switch places in their seemingly unending dance within my being. I wonder where my favorite clowns, the bluejays, are hiding and wish that we might all live a more carefree existence someday...

Someday when my sister is better, someday when the sun shines with a joyous radiance beyond our ability to explain, someday when there is peace upon the face of the earth; someday.

A Poem - because the leukemia is back

Fear

A small fear has found a home;
My heart. It feeds upon my pain,
Knowing how uncertain fate
Has made our lives again.

I love you, so
It seems this fear
Can take advantage of my tears.
It tears and rends my broken heart,
And knows
Just when
To really make things hurt,
To make me cry;
We cannot see the future
Or where collective fate lies,
If we could, fear would have its death
Instead of living like some
Repulsive, cosseted, and pampered pet.

How can so small and mean
A thing play such a large roll
In all our lives?
It lies.
It says it knows truth.
It claims to be
A messenger of life.
It is, instead, a harbinger of unknowns,
Sounding and feeling
Like Doomsayer
Instead of Hope.

It lives in me
And will not leave.
Until you’re well again,
My heart will harbor
This vicious petite
With its very sharp claws
And enormous teeth.
Although, it is so small,
If you look for it objectively
You often see
Nothing at all.
But it feels ten feet tall.