Adam Lanza's Family

     There apparantly has been some flap about a woman who wrote on her blog, "I Am Adam Lanza's Mother."  I am assuming this woman is someone with a mentally ill son who has had to face issues very similar to those faced by Nancy Lanza in her struggles with Adam which culminated in this past Friday's tragic, terrifying result.

     Please try to understand this woman's perspective because, as I was thinking about what I had heard, I realized I could have been Adam Lanza's older sister.

     When my brother Mike first started showing the most obvious signs of his mental illness/schizophrenia, there were times when it could be quite frightening, although mostly it was just really, really sad.  It got so bad for a time that my parents barricaded their bedroom door at night in the fear that Mike might try to harm our Mom to whom he would make insinuative threats, verbally and via gestures.  At one point (and this is not to imply that no buttons were pushed as I was not always the most gracious of older siblings...) Mike picked me up bodily and threw me upon the floor.  This was after we were both full grown adults, at least physiologically speaking.  Thank God Mike never had the access to guns that Adam Lanza was allowed, as this may have been the only significant difference, at times, that prevented my brother from acting out in a similar way, although I would like to think Mike would never have done anything so vicious even in his worst and most violent moments.

     What, we might wonder, was Nancy Lanza thinking and doing by allowing this son of hers access to guns?  In Nancy Lanza's world guns were recreational, used primarily for target shooting and, perhaps now and again for hunting.  These weapons were not fired at people - or not supposed to be - and this was what she would have taught her son.  What was Nancy Lanza doing?  She was trying to give her son a life, trying to help him find his way in a world he was ill-suited to navigate on his own, trying desperately to do what those six educators died for last Friday - protect her child as they wanted to protect the children under their care. 

     That she was reaching the point of being unable to continue caring for Adam is not testimony to any fault in her parenting, but to her humanity; not one of us is perfect and Adam's mental disorder was too involved, too deeply entrenched, for his mother to be able to continue to care for the adult her son had grown into - the violent, angry, raging, jealous child-man he could not escape from except through death - at least in his own mind where he blamed everyone of the people who loved him, everyone of those children, everyone in his life except himself, for the hurt and anger he felt and the pain he was determined to inflict.

     That's a lot of speculation on my part.  I did not know Adam, his mother, or any of the people murdered so brutally last Friday.  But I do know the fear of not knowing if you're going to receive some stridently demanding phone call telling you something unimaginably horrible has taken place, changing your life and that of your entire family forever; the fear of not knowing if your younger brother will survive the night without his coat after he disappeared into one of the worst snowstorms within recent memory; the fear of wondering if the sweet, wonderful brother you grew up with will ever get to reappear when thisterrible mental disease has run its course or if it will run its course.  It is living with your heart always breaking or constantly broken.  It is a life of constant emotional pain and fear.

     Adam Lanza's mom loved him.  He was her child; her little boy.  She knew him when he was six-years old and as sweet and beautiful as each one of those little ones whose lives he so callously took six days ago.

Dear God,

     Our hearts are so broken.  We are so much in need.  Please, God, help us; love us; be our protecting and loving parent and hold us in your arms now and in the days to come as more children are laid to rest, more questions surface, more emotions make the way into our hearts and minds.  Please God, be especially kind to those families of the children who died, they each lost more than just a loved one - they lost each of their childrens' entire lifetimes as well.

Amen

In Hopes of Bringing a Comforting Thought

Twenty-Six Angels


Twenty-six angels,
All newly fledged,
Wander ‘round Heaven,
Clearing their heads.

Six of them older,
Having gotten to grow,
To live; to learn -
And each in their turn -
To teach; to lead,
As they take the hands
Of several
Small angels from
The rest of their band,
Fielding the questions,
Calming the fears,
Teaching; encouraging -
Learned earthly experience
Measured in years.

“Do we still need to hide?”
A little one asks,
“No, Dear,” says Dawn,
Still keen to the task
Of protecting and caring
And leading them on
Because, after all,
She is now their New Dawn.

Each newly minted;
Testing their wings is
Like learning to walk
All over again.
They do it
Because they know,
Somewhere inside,
That Mommy and Daddy
Would be really proud.

Twenty-six angels,
All newly born
Yet somehow conscious of
Lives lived before.
Old fears quickly fading;
Love re-blooming fast
In hearts God created
To last
For eternity,
Yet still bereft of the
Arms of the parents
And loved ones they left.

They know, and will always,
How treasured they were,
God needed them more;
Though they are still ours.


     (Apologies for the sloppy poetry - it was written fast and loose but with the hopes that some small parts of it might help people through this initial time of grief and shock.  Perhaps, in time, I will be able to do an acceptable rewrite.)

With Much Love,

Izzlebug (the very out of practice poet)

"May God In His Heaven Give His Angels Charge Over Thee"

"The Rose" - as sung (and written?) by Bette Midler

"Some say love, it is a river
That drowns the tender reed.
Some say love, it is a razor
That leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love, it is a hunger,
An endless aching need.
I say love, it is a flower,
And you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
That never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
That never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
Who cannot seem to give,
And the soul afraid of dyin'
That never learns to live.

When the night has been too lonely
And the road has been too long,
And you think that love is only
For the lucky and the strong,
Just remember in the winter
Far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love
In the spring becomes the rose."
     *This song was sung at my sister's wedding and also brought my family great comfort when she passed away from leukemia a few years ago.  I hope and pray it may do the same for some of the people who lost loved ones in the needless, senseless, horrific events of this past Friday in Sandy Hook CT.  The last four lines have always touched me more than any of the others.

CHILDREN
Charlotte Bacon, born 2/22/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Daniel Barden, born 9/25/05, male (age 7) - died 12/14/12
Olivia Engel, born 7/18/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Josephine Gay, born 12/11/05, female (age 7) - died 12/14/12
Ana M. Marquez-Greene, born 04/04/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Dylan Hockley, born 03/08/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Madeleine F. Hsu, born 07/10/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Catherine V. Hubbard, born 06/08/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Chase Kowalski, born 10/31/05, male (age 7) - died 12/14/12
Jesse Lewis, born 06/30/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
James Mattioli, born 03/22/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Grace McDonnell, born 11/04/05, female (age 7) - died 12/14/12
Emilie Parker, born 05/12/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Jack Pinto, born 05/06/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Noah Pozner, born 11/20/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Caroline Previdi, born 09/07/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Jessica Rekos, born 05/10/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Avielle Richman, born 10/17/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Benjamin Wheeler, born 9/12/06, male (age 6) - died 12/14/12
Allison N. Wyatt, born 07/03/06, female (age 6) - died 12/14/12

ADULTS
Rachel Davino, born 7/17/83, female (age 29) - died 12/14/12
Dawn Hochsprung, born 06/28/65, female (age 47) - died 12/14/12
Anne Marie Murphy, born 07/25/60, female (age 52) - died 12/14/12
Lauren Russeau, born 1982, female (age 29) - died 12/14/12
Mary Sherlach, born 02/11/56, female (age 56) - died 12/14/12
Victoria Soto, born 11/04/85, female (age 27) - died 12/14/12

Donations for the families and the school can be made at the following places:

Newtown Youth and Family Services
(203)426-8103
15 Berkshire Rd.
Sandy Hook, CT 06482
     They (Newtown Y&FS) would prefer donations to be made via the United Way site set up in conjunction with the Newtown Savings Bank or through the Caroline's Gift fund, only because the money will get to the families more rapidly because these funds are already in place; up and running.  However, any and all donations made for the families of victims of the school shootings sent directly to the office of Youth and Family Services will eventually find its way to the families.

Caroline's Gift
     This fund is administered through the Newtown Youth and Family Services office.  Further information is available on their website at:  http://newtownyouthandfamilyservices.org

United Way of Western Connecticut:
mail donations to: Sandy Hook School Support Fund
                           c/o Newtown Savings Bank
                           39 Main Street
                           Newtown, CT 06470

You can also donate by credit card online at: http://newtown/uwwesternct.org

Newtown Parent Connection
1-203-270-1600
http://www.newtownparentconnection.org
     This group says all donations will go directly to the families of shooting victims and others directly affected by the shootings.  They can accept donations via Paypal or any major credit card on their website.  Call the number listed above for further information.



 For those wishing to donate their time and talent rather than, or in addition to, money, the Connecticut Department of Emergency Services and Public Protection can be reached at 1-800-203-1234.
     Be aware that this number is also the direct line for people seeking help as well as those attempting to volunteer.  You will want to choose option #3 in order to speak directly to someone who can get you on the volunteer list.  This list of names and qualifications will be forwarded to another department involved in recovery efforts for those affected by the shootings and people will be contacted on an "as needed" basis.

How Can Cowards Be So Vicious? I Thought They Were Cowards?

     Yet another vicious and cowardly act has taken our nation's attention and the lives of many innocent and unarmed people, only this time the people were mostly children who were unable to know even how or when to run without an older someone telling them to do so. 

     The perpetrator of these heinous and brutal acts; a mentally ill, mixed up young man barely more than a child himself.  There is a sad and frightening pattern here and I hope parents of similar young men will take note and keep a sharper eye on the behavior of their sons, as well as the whereabouts of any registered weapons, as a result.

     Along with the rest of the world, my heart is breaking for the parents and families of the children and those who died to save them.  Even China, in the midst of all of the political strife that seems ever present nowadays, called to offer sympathy.  It took me a brief moment to recall that China has been through similar losses not that long ago, with some of their own very young children slaughtered by similar cowards while, presumably, "safe" at school.  The memory must have seared through many hearts and minds to prompt that call, but the parents and families of Newtown, CT may know, absolutely, that an entire continent in addition to this one, knows and understands their pain and is currently united with all of us on a level none of us could have ever foreseen or would ever have wished to exist.  But, today, we are one in our shock, pain and grief.

     Through the days that follow parents and loved ones will have to sort out their lives, dealing with the Christmas gifts that must now be donated or returned, the appointments that can no longer be kept, the schedules no longer necessary.  They will have to start filling in the holes in their lives as bitterly and relentlessly as the earth fills the graves of their lost loved ones, because life goes on; it is inexorable in its march and rhythms and we follow, willingly or not.  This is not a bad thing.  The time this process spans heals the pain, softens the memories, brings the good and gentle thoughts to the forefront, although that emptiness can never truly be filled; ever.

     To the little ones of Newtown and their brave protectors who did not make it beyond the beast that was that young man's mind and heart, "God's Speed, Little Ones'" for we are all children of a living God who loves and grieves with us at mankind's weaknesses and failures.

     This reminds me of an article I read recently about a little 8-year-old boy who died of cancer.  His Dad reported feeling sad while at work one night thinking that his son would likely never grow up to be married, have children of his own, and so on, but had never said anything about this to his little boy, for obvious reasons.  When this Dad got home in the morning and was getting his son up for school, his little boy looked right at him and said, "Daddy, I'm never going to be married."  This startled the father and he wondered how his son could possibly know what he had been thinking while at work and the Dad said, "What makes you say that, Little Buddy?"  His son looked at him and said simply, "Because God needs me more.  I was your angel before I was born."

Truly, may the peace that passes all understanding belong to all of us this holiday season.

Love,
Izzlebug