The miracle of our electrical and internet connectivities has come through again and I am able to blog once more. Maybe that's good, maybe not, but it is certainly a relief for me. My significant other continues to improve, although very slowly, but it's definitely RECOVERY instead of the horrid and insidious decline he was experiencing before - essentially death - so we will take it, and I hope anew each day for more signs of his being able to return home and our lives returning to some semblance of normalcy at some point in the relatively near future.
The kitties are all a joy and a trial - at the same time - and it will be good to have "Daddy Cat's" steadying influence back in the equation again. Bootsie, in particular, misses him, and I hope they are able to get together soon for snuggles and rubs as they both seem in dire need of the therapy they offer one another during their sessions together.
Things with my brother have gone quiet for the moment after having gone a little ballistic for a week or two. Likely causes were his refusing his meds and his feeling neglected - which he has been, at least by me as I have struggled with trying to visit my "s.o." and get the house cleaned up and ready for his return home - a VERY major effort due to several years accumulation of "stuff" that went largely ignored while we were being battered around by life these past few years. It has ultimately resulted in a hoarding issue that is taking a lot of effort on my part AND on the part of several very kind people to try to resolve so my "s.o." can come home to a clean and healthy home when he is ready. What a mess and what a project it is!! The one really good thing that I do notice for me in all of this is that I am really getting a lot of my priorities straightened out and I am becoming more focused as the project progresses. So, in the mean time, Mike has been sorely neglected and is running low on his quota of fast food lunches and one-sided conversations. He does seem to enjoy joining me in feeding french fries to the sea gulls, though.
I truly hope and pray we never have to find out how to deal with anything worse than what we have already been through. I think cancer, death, leukemia, breast cancer, liver failure, and the house falling apart around us are sufficient for one lifetime, thank-you!
We in New England are supposed to be having a couple of beautiful days coming up and I hope the same will be true for most of the places that have been dealing with storms this week. A little sunshine and warmth would be very welcome.
Izzlebug
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Saturday, September 11, 2010
A Lot Has Been Happening
I did not realize how much time had elapsed since I last blogged. So much has taken place, not the least of which is that my significant other has gotten a liver transplant! (August 29th!) Up until that date there were only tales of woe to record as he became more and more ill, stepping ever and ever closer to death. It felt as though we were spend what we had of life saying, "Goodbye," while at the same time trying to maintain the hope he might yet manage to survive. Thank God he has survived! Each day is another step away from the imminent end we thought was coming and a step toward a new beginning for both of us.
Someone asked me, during one of the worst of the moments of his illness, if I was praying for someone to die so he could get his liver transplant because by that point in time he was too sick for the partial transplant provided by a living donor option. I immediately was able to tell the person inquiring that, no, I was not praying for someone to die but, recognizing that we all do die eventually, I was praying that, of the people who were likely to pass away in our area within the needed period of time, that one of them would be an organ donor and compatible with my loved one so he could have his transplant. God answered those prayers and I feel as if I have my miracle in life - the one that lets you know, deep in the very heart and soul of yourself, that God is indeed real and that He cares and hears our cries in times of greatest need.
So now we are on the road to recovery, although with more than eight months of practice headed in the other direction there is still some emotional shifting going on. Worries that were once so prevalant, though still clinging to some extent, are fading rapidly, such as the moments I tended to wake in the night needing to call to check on him whenever he was in the hospital, too ill to be here at home. The fear that clawed at my heart is rapidly becoming distant in memory, although there are new anxieties waiting in line to take the place of the old ones but, somehow, they do not feel quite as threatening as the prior worries and fears. Despite the difficulties that lie ahead due to possible rejection issues, medication schedules, immunosuppressant precautions(?), and desperately needing to get the house in order for his eventual return home, a great weight has gone from my heart and mind. Life is now the order of the day. Rather than preparing for death all our efforts now are going into preparing to live! Definitely a better place to be!
Eventually, the Organ Bank will be contacting us about getting in touch with the donor's family. At least this is what we have been told. I would like to say here that my immediate reaction, upon learning of the gift we had received and that my sweetie-pie had made it through the surgery and was doing well, was extreme gratitude for the kindness and sacrifice such a gift entails and a strong desire to express my sympathies to a family who had so very recently suffered the loss of someone very dear to them in order that such a gift was even possible for my loved one to receive. So my joy was tempered with a shared grief with the family of the person whose death had enabled the continuation of life for my life companion and best friend. Thank you for that gift. We may be only two middle-aged, old farts; fat and dotty about our pussycats, but he means the world to me and losing him would have been more devastating than anyone else could possibly realize. I would never have wished such an event on your lives, but I am very grateful for the compassion and generosity of spirit that it took for the decision to be made to donate organs at such a time.
There you have our past two months in a nutshell.
Here's hoping all goes well for all of you in your lives, and that you are at least as blessed as we have been, but hopefully in more pleasant and less trying ways.
Love,
Izzlebug
Someone asked me, during one of the worst of the moments of his illness, if I was praying for someone to die so he could get his liver transplant because by that point in time he was too sick for the partial transplant provided by a living donor option. I immediately was able to tell the person inquiring that, no, I was not praying for someone to die but, recognizing that we all do die eventually, I was praying that, of the people who were likely to pass away in our area within the needed period of time, that one of them would be an organ donor and compatible with my loved one so he could have his transplant. God answered those prayers and I feel as if I have my miracle in life - the one that lets you know, deep in the very heart and soul of yourself, that God is indeed real and that He cares and hears our cries in times of greatest need.
So now we are on the road to recovery, although with more than eight months of practice headed in the other direction there is still some emotional shifting going on. Worries that were once so prevalant, though still clinging to some extent, are fading rapidly, such as the moments I tended to wake in the night needing to call to check on him whenever he was in the hospital, too ill to be here at home. The fear that clawed at my heart is rapidly becoming distant in memory, although there are new anxieties waiting in line to take the place of the old ones but, somehow, they do not feel quite as threatening as the prior worries and fears. Despite the difficulties that lie ahead due to possible rejection issues, medication schedules, immunosuppressant precautions(?), and desperately needing to get the house in order for his eventual return home, a great weight has gone from my heart and mind. Life is now the order of the day. Rather than preparing for death all our efforts now are going into preparing to live! Definitely a better place to be!
Eventually, the Organ Bank will be contacting us about getting in touch with the donor's family. At least this is what we have been told. I would like to say here that my immediate reaction, upon learning of the gift we had received and that my sweetie-pie had made it through the surgery and was doing well, was extreme gratitude for the kindness and sacrifice such a gift entails and a strong desire to express my sympathies to a family who had so very recently suffered the loss of someone very dear to them in order that such a gift was even possible for my loved one to receive. So my joy was tempered with a shared grief with the family of the person whose death had enabled the continuation of life for my life companion and best friend. Thank you for that gift. We may be only two middle-aged, old farts; fat and dotty about our pussycats, but he means the world to me and losing him would have been more devastating than anyone else could possibly realize. I would never have wished such an event on your lives, but I am very grateful for the compassion and generosity of spirit that it took for the decision to be made to donate organs at such a time.
There you have our past two months in a nutshell.
Here's hoping all goes well for all of you in your lives, and that you are at least as blessed as we have been, but hopefully in more pleasant and less trying ways.
Love,
Izzlebug
Monday, June 14, 2010
One More Week
Just one more week to go before we see the transplant people. He looks so yellow and "scrawny around the edges" right now that I have a hard time with crying jags on and off (mostly off). All told, we're not doing too badly, although he may have to be hospitalized before we see the transplant people in order to get toxins cleared out of his system and fluid buildup drained off.
This is all so frightening and strange for us. We realize that the nurses and doctors we deal with see this all the time, and I try to base my attitude on theirs -if they do not seem too concerned I try not to be too concerned as well - but since this involves the one man I love most on the face of this planet there are those heart-rending moments when the tears flow and the fears creep in through the crevices you did not realize were there until that precise moment. Just one more week!
Friends and neighbors have been so kind and have been helping us as they have been able but it is amazing how much stuff you accomplish around your own home without realizing it until you can't get things done and have to ask others to help you out! In addition to my sweetie-pie's being so ill, my knee blew out and I am hobbling around on crutches. I may be doing some preemptive "ouching" but not very much. The darned thing hurts! Hopefully it is just a mild sprain and will heal soon so I can get back to chores that so desperately need tending to during this time - we can't ask friends to do EVERYTHING! That would be way too much.
Thus our lives continue to unfold during yet another time of crisis. May your lives be more peaceful and far more kind.
With much love,
Izzlebug
This is all so frightening and strange for us. We realize that the nurses and doctors we deal with see this all the time, and I try to base my attitude on theirs -if they do not seem too concerned I try not to be too concerned as well - but since this involves the one man I love most on the face of this planet there are those heart-rending moments when the tears flow and the fears creep in through the crevices you did not realize were there until that precise moment. Just one more week!
Friends and neighbors have been so kind and have been helping us as they have been able but it is amazing how much stuff you accomplish around your own home without realizing it until you can't get things done and have to ask others to help you out! In addition to my sweetie-pie's being so ill, my knee blew out and I am hobbling around on crutches. I may be doing some preemptive "ouching" but not very much. The darned thing hurts! Hopefully it is just a mild sprain and will heal soon so I can get back to chores that so desperately need tending to during this time - we can't ask friends to do EVERYTHING! That would be way too much.
Thus our lives continue to unfold during yet another time of crisis. May your lives be more peaceful and far more kind.
With much love,
Izzlebug
Tuesday, June 01, 2010
June 1st, 2010
Today has been an odd sort of day. It started, for me, at midnight last night with a crying jag. I had a fifteen minute pity party because of the state of "everything" in our lives at the moment, thus feeling somewhat better before I went to bed. Then, after getting up later than I should have, I checked my email and found one from a friend that cheered me up immensely. Not such a bad day after all.
My sweetiepie is still so sick and, I surmise, is likely to remain so until after the liver transplant. His first appointment to discuss things is coming up shortly and I am waiting rather impatiently for the day to arrive so things can get rolling so he will be well again. In the mean time there is so much to deal with I expect the time to pass fairly quickly.
Over the past decade, or so, while deaths and cancers and other various and sundry tragedies have been besetting our families, things have gotten away from us in the form of lots of stuff all over the house. Now that I am finally getting to the point of being able to deal with it at all - and it still feels overwhelming just no longer "impossible" - I am at a place where I desperately need help taking care of things. Since my sweetiepie is unable to help with the project, I have been looking into other possible means of getting things done, mostly for his sake because of the upcoming transplant. It will still take awhile, but I think it will be something that can be accomplished reasonably in several weeks time without too much undue stress all around. At least, I hope so.
Just as I was signing in to my blog I heard the lovely chorus of sound that lets me know one of the kitties has just urped up their food again, so I must cut this short and find the urp and get it cleaned up before it gets stepped in (eeWWW!) or something. Still love the kitties absolutely, though.
Hope your days are peaceful, bright and kind.
Love,
Izzlebug
My sweetiepie is still so sick and, I surmise, is likely to remain so until after the liver transplant. His first appointment to discuss things is coming up shortly and I am waiting rather impatiently for the day to arrive so things can get rolling so he will be well again. In the mean time there is so much to deal with I expect the time to pass fairly quickly.
Over the past decade, or so, while deaths and cancers and other various and sundry tragedies have been besetting our families, things have gotten away from us in the form of lots of stuff all over the house. Now that I am finally getting to the point of being able to deal with it at all - and it still feels overwhelming just no longer "impossible" - I am at a place where I desperately need help taking care of things. Since my sweetiepie is unable to help with the project, I have been looking into other possible means of getting things done, mostly for his sake because of the upcoming transplant. It will still take awhile, but I think it will be something that can be accomplished reasonably in several weeks time without too much undue stress all around. At least, I hope so.
Just as I was signing in to my blog I heard the lovely chorus of sound that lets me know one of the kitties has just urped up their food again, so I must cut this short and find the urp and get it cleaned up before it gets stepped in (eeWWW!) or something. Still love the kitties absolutely, though.
Hope your days are peaceful, bright and kind.
Love,
Izzlebug
Monday, April 26, 2010
Too Discouraged To Write
Life finally delivered the blow that actually shut me up for awhile...my sweetie pie needs a new liver, which is what has been making him so very sick for such a long time now. This past month has been a nightmare in many ways, but also a testament to the healing and regenerating powers of faith and nature. The depression work group has had a somewhat erratic schedule and last weeks meeting was rescheduled due to the absence of the "moderator," who definitely needed the break. So we will meet again this week and catch up with one another and see how the suggestions have been working out for everyone else, as so far I am lagging far, far behind the rest of the group due to everything else going on in my life. (I do not know how to write sagging shoulders and an exhalation of resignation and despair, but they took place at this interval in the writing.)
Although Spring is slow in coming due to chillier weather than I prefer, we have still been having some lovely days with wonderfully bright sunshine and soft breezes that waft through the house chasing away all of the winter's doldrums and fustiness. The cats enjoy the open windows as well, and it is fun to see them light up in anticipation of being able to sit in an open window in the sunlight for a few minutes while they watch the birds flying overhead, and dreaming pussycat daydreams while their fur warms in the glow of impending summer.
My nephew has gone off to school in Florida for a few months and then will, hopefully, be employed in what sounds like an interesting and challenging career for him. He has matured so much since his mom died, and is doing so well just in the choices he is making and the way he handles things now, I just know she would be as proud of her son as I am of my nephew.
That is some of the news of the moment, but far from all of it. So much has been happening and so much needs doing that I can only spend this time writing right now because I am taking it from some other necessary chore or activity. As it happens, I have been doing that as much as possible lately, in part to protect my knee, which decided to blow out at the worst possible moment, and in part because it helps keep me a little more sane than I might otherwise find myself. I justify the inactivity as a way of protecting all of us from me going ballistic and driving everyone else nuts...which takes way too much effort, so we are all quite safe.
Hopefully, others' lives are a little gentler, a little better organized; saner, kinder, more properous and more fun.
Love to All,
Izzlebug
Although Spring is slow in coming due to chillier weather than I prefer, we have still been having some lovely days with wonderfully bright sunshine and soft breezes that waft through the house chasing away all of the winter's doldrums and fustiness. The cats enjoy the open windows as well, and it is fun to see them light up in anticipation of being able to sit in an open window in the sunlight for a few minutes while they watch the birds flying overhead, and dreaming pussycat daydreams while their fur warms in the glow of impending summer.
My nephew has gone off to school in Florida for a few months and then will, hopefully, be employed in what sounds like an interesting and challenging career for him. He has matured so much since his mom died, and is doing so well just in the choices he is making and the way he handles things now, I just know she would be as proud of her son as I am of my nephew.
That is some of the news of the moment, but far from all of it. So much has been happening and so much needs doing that I can only spend this time writing right now because I am taking it from some other necessary chore or activity. As it happens, I have been doing that as much as possible lately, in part to protect my knee, which decided to blow out at the worst possible moment, and in part because it helps keep me a little more sane than I might otherwise find myself. I justify the inactivity as a way of protecting all of us from me going ballistic and driving everyone else nuts...which takes way too much effort, so we are all quite safe.
Hopefully, others' lives are a little gentler, a little better organized; saner, kinder, more properous and more fun.
Love to All,
Izzlebug
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Just Like Home - Not!
The day of my Aunt's funeral service, my sweetie pie and I ended up going in to the emergency room, sent there by his general practioner's PA. It is probably just as well that I was unable to make it to the service, etc. as I have been really weepy and blue lately and would have been even more miserable had I gone to her funeral service (her burial will be later this Spring and I am hoping to make it to that, at least). And, to top it all off, we still are not sure just what is going on with my significant other's medical condition!!! Is "bummer" really a word?
There has also been some more "Oh, goodie!" news regarding my health, although nothing quite so upsetting as that of my partner in crime. The "doctors" (the names and specialties vary and change accordingly) have determined that I have a very, very little, tiny bit of scoliosis in my spine. The physician I spoke to did not believe it has been the cause of any of my back pain issues and it likely does not need any type of treatment at all, which is just fine with me, but it does explain why I have, now and then, felt as though I was listing to the left a little - because I was! The second "new" discovery is that I may have (please note the mention of possibility rather than the statement of fact here), maybe, fibromyalgia. Blahhh! It might explain a lot of my pain, but it does not seem to me that I have the same issues you hear about in the ads for Lyrica, and such, so I am feeling somewhat sceptical, but will try to keep an open mind and see how things play out.
It would be wonderful to have something really, really positive happen once in awhile: "Congratulations! You just won the lottery!; etc. (I'm too tired to come up with much of anything else right now.) At least Spring has arrived despite the direction my life always seems to be heading - an almost constant downward spiral trailing off into an infinite wasteland of woe - a bit prosey, perhaps, but it felt good to type it all out and just be a little ridiculous for the moment.
I missed my second group meeting (the depression work group) because it was the same day as the emergency room visit and my Aunt's funeral service. I did, however, make it to the third meeting and it really does seem that I will be learning some very valuable things about how to cope with depression and depressive thinking patterns. Hopefully I will not miss any further meetings as there are only eight in total. Some of the other members of the group seemed a little perkier this time around, so between the group and Spring happening,we should all be a lot better by the end of the sessions.
I just heard the door open. My sweetie pie took out this enormous amount of garbage from my having cleared stuff out of the refrigerator and freezer that had accumulated over a long time (I would make a guess but it would likely gross everyone out)and he has just come back in to growl at me about how much the trash bin weighed (I don't blame him, it really weighed a lot!). Maybe, if we're really fortunate, we'll get a bear tonight, fishing stuff out of the trash can! Probably not, and I would have to call Animal Control if we did because there are too many pets and children in our area, but it would certainly be something more interesting to write about than my usual stuff!
The weather was beautiful today. Not in your "blazing glory of sunlight" kind of way, but in the softness in the air that heralds the changing of the winter into the gentler seasons of growth and renewal. There is life in each breath taken on such a day, and often peace to be found in taking a moment here and there to just "be." It is difficult to put into words, at least adequate words. It is the effort of passing a feeling to another person hand to hand, placing it gently into the palm of another and saying from the heart, "Here. This is the peace of this day for you. I want to share it." Please know that is what is very much contained in my ramblings here.
Blessings,
Izzlebug
There has also been some more "Oh, goodie!" news regarding my health, although nothing quite so upsetting as that of my partner in crime. The "doctors" (the names and specialties vary and change accordingly) have determined that I have a very, very little, tiny bit of scoliosis in my spine. The physician I spoke to did not believe it has been the cause of any of my back pain issues and it likely does not need any type of treatment at all, which is just fine with me, but it does explain why I have, now and then, felt as though I was listing to the left a little - because I was! The second "new" discovery is that I may have (please note the mention of possibility rather than the statement of fact here), maybe, fibromyalgia. Blahhh! It might explain a lot of my pain, but it does not seem to me that I have the same issues you hear about in the ads for Lyrica, and such, so I am feeling somewhat sceptical, but will try to keep an open mind and see how things play out.
It would be wonderful to have something really, really positive happen once in awhile: "Congratulations! You just won the lottery!; etc. (I'm too tired to come up with much of anything else right now.) At least Spring has arrived despite the direction my life always seems to be heading - an almost constant downward spiral trailing off into an infinite wasteland of woe - a bit prosey, perhaps, but it felt good to type it all out and just be a little ridiculous for the moment.
I missed my second group meeting (the depression work group) because it was the same day as the emergency room visit and my Aunt's funeral service. I did, however, make it to the third meeting and it really does seem that I will be learning some very valuable things about how to cope with depression and depressive thinking patterns. Hopefully I will not miss any further meetings as there are only eight in total. Some of the other members of the group seemed a little perkier this time around, so between the group and Spring happening,we should all be a lot better by the end of the sessions.
I just heard the door open. My sweetie pie took out this enormous amount of garbage from my having cleared stuff out of the refrigerator and freezer that had accumulated over a long time (I would make a guess but it would likely gross everyone out)and he has just come back in to growl at me about how much the trash bin weighed (I don't blame him, it really weighed a lot!). Maybe, if we're really fortunate, we'll get a bear tonight, fishing stuff out of the trash can! Probably not, and I would have to call Animal Control if we did because there are too many pets and children in our area, but it would certainly be something more interesting to write about than my usual stuff!
The weather was beautiful today. Not in your "blazing glory of sunlight" kind of way, but in the softness in the air that heralds the changing of the winter into the gentler seasons of growth and renewal. There is life in each breath taken on such a day, and often peace to be found in taking a moment here and there to just "be." It is difficult to put into words, at least adequate words. It is the effort of passing a feeling to another person hand to hand, placing it gently into the palm of another and saying from the heart, "Here. This is the peace of this day for you. I want to share it." Please know that is what is very much contained in my ramblings here.
Blessings,
Izzlebug
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Hurry Up and Wait
Despite a condition that seems totally incompatible with life, my aunt continues to linger, though each passing day brings her closer to the end. Her family waits and watches, standing vigil by her side and making sure the pain medication is delivered precisely as needed and on time. They will call all of us when the time arrives.
In the meantime my life and that of my sweet and loving life partner have been turned up on end with a major illness for him. I find myself feeling like crying at inopportune moments and trying desperately to hold onto every possible hope for his recovery and continued survival. It is difficult to do while we are still in the "finding out" phase of things which happens much too gradually for my emotions to tolerate when it involves someone near and dear to me. It is also difficult to know he is very uncomfortable, though feeling somewhat better following a medical procedure endured yesterday for the first time.
It also happens - and it could not have happened at a more appropriate moment - that I have started a depression work group with one of my therapists that really seems like it is going to help me learn to cope with things at least a little better. I may not feel any better, but I will "cope" better, I guess. Even my therapist thinks we have had a lot to deal with, well above the norm, so although there are others who have had more to deal with on occasion, I am definitely amongst the ones in need of assistance of this type and I am looking forward to the process and just hoping to complete the group before all hell breaks loose in life again.
On the way home from the group session last night, I got the idea for a poem. It is a little maudlin but I hope still somewhat lovely in its imagery. I offer it to you here:
Soft, soft the dew has fallen
Upon the fallow sod
In Winter's wake,
Upon the graves of those,
In hope, with God.
Sweet, sweet the kiss of sunlight
Upon the earth's sear brow.
In Winter's wake
The gardens rest and wait
Through wind and snow.
Gentle the cloak of darkness
That with the nighttime falls.
In Winter's wake
God's mercy lives in dreams
Of Springtime's call.
Blessings and peace,
Izzlebug
In the meantime my life and that of my sweet and loving life partner have been turned up on end with a major illness for him. I find myself feeling like crying at inopportune moments and trying desperately to hold onto every possible hope for his recovery and continued survival. It is difficult to do while we are still in the "finding out" phase of things which happens much too gradually for my emotions to tolerate when it involves someone near and dear to me. It is also difficult to know he is very uncomfortable, though feeling somewhat better following a medical procedure endured yesterday for the first time.
It also happens - and it could not have happened at a more appropriate moment - that I have started a depression work group with one of my therapists that really seems like it is going to help me learn to cope with things at least a little better. I may not feel any better, but I will "cope" better, I guess. Even my therapist thinks we have had a lot to deal with, well above the norm, so although there are others who have had more to deal with on occasion, I am definitely amongst the ones in need of assistance of this type and I am looking forward to the process and just hoping to complete the group before all hell breaks loose in life again.
On the way home from the group session last night, I got the idea for a poem. It is a little maudlin but I hope still somewhat lovely in its imagery. I offer it to you here:
Soft, soft the dew has fallen
Upon the fallow sod
In Winter's wake,
Upon the graves of those,
In hope, with God.
Sweet, sweet the kiss of sunlight
Upon the earth's sear brow.
In Winter's wake
The gardens rest and wait
Through wind and snow.
Gentle the cloak of darkness
That with the nighttime falls.
In Winter's wake
God's mercy lives in dreams
Of Springtime's call.
Blessings and peace,
Izzlebug
Monday, March 01, 2010
The March of Time and Telling Death to Shove It By Continuing to Live
As may be evident by the title of this posting, we have not yet heard that my aunt has finally passed. My hopes and prayers are that any pain is under control and that her family is dealing as well as can be expected with the time between; this is the most difficult time of all. In other circumstances you often take the attitude that "no news is good news," but in this case no news is simply no news and so we wait and wait some more, knowing that the news, when it comes, will be sad; knowing full well ahead of time what that "news" will be and not really wanting to hear it, yet needing to hear it, if that makes any kind of sense.
On other fronts, there has been a lot for me to deal with emotionally, and the situation with my aunt just makes me a little shakier for everything else. I have been very weepy and hypersensitive and this has made dealing with my significant other's health issues even more trying. I think, for the first time, it has finally hit home that we are both aging and encountering health problems that could eventually lead to our deaths. This is not such an unusual thing for a couple in our age range to encounter, but because of my many health problems both current and past I think that somewhere, in the back of my tiny mind, I had decided I was the one likely to "go" first and therefore had not really faced the issue of losing my sweetheart and having to survive him instead. Hopefully, the problems he is currently having will prove to be very treatable and not too serious, but it is frightening being in the "not knowing" phase of things right now.
Another event coming up for me is a counseling group for people dealing with depression (Now why in the world would I be depressed?) that my psychologist has recommended I try. Since the grief counseling group I took part in was so helpful, I am eager to try this group in the hope that it, too, will prove to be as helpful in teaching me to overcome some of the weaknesses that have left me in this state as well as prone to even harder bouts with depression under more stressful circumstances than this, which our families have definitely encountered in the not too distant past. I will try to keep my postings about the group current so if anyone needs or would like to know how things are working out they can read about it as it takes place for me.
There has also been so much really sad news of late; the earthquakes in Chile, the suicides of two young men from famous families, the abuse of infants by a very young father...the list could go on, but I think the point is made. There is a lot of bad news in this world and much of it, such as the earthquakes and the aftermath, are beyond the power of humanity to prevent or to cause. It makes me wonder why we, as a species, seem so intent upon creating more grief for ourselves and those who love and need us by behaving in such horrid ways and by doing such inexcusably rotten things when there is so much that nature already throws at us. Isn't there enough pain in just having to survive nature's ravages without any of us adding to the overall burden with destructive or self-destructive behaviors, cruelties, indifference, prejudice, hatred? It's something to think about, isn't it?
The week to come is full of appointments and paperwork; sorting and donating. We work at trying to get all of the extraneous stuff out of the house so that we might, finally, be able to fit in some guests on occasion. It also is going to be a week of more waiting, more worries and more tears. I suppose that we all have weeks like this now and then, but hopefully few and far between.
May your week be sunnier, your family healthier, your joints less stiff and your hair less gray than ours. Blessings.
Izzlebug
On other fronts, there has been a lot for me to deal with emotionally, and the situation with my aunt just makes me a little shakier for everything else. I have been very weepy and hypersensitive and this has made dealing with my significant other's health issues even more trying. I think, for the first time, it has finally hit home that we are both aging and encountering health problems that could eventually lead to our deaths. This is not such an unusual thing for a couple in our age range to encounter, but because of my many health problems both current and past I think that somewhere, in the back of my tiny mind, I had decided I was the one likely to "go" first and therefore had not really faced the issue of losing my sweetheart and having to survive him instead. Hopefully, the problems he is currently having will prove to be very treatable and not too serious, but it is frightening being in the "not knowing" phase of things right now.
Another event coming up for me is a counseling group for people dealing with depression (Now why in the world would I be depressed?) that my psychologist has recommended I try. Since the grief counseling group I took part in was so helpful, I am eager to try this group in the hope that it, too, will prove to be as helpful in teaching me to overcome some of the weaknesses that have left me in this state as well as prone to even harder bouts with depression under more stressful circumstances than this, which our families have definitely encountered in the not too distant past. I will try to keep my postings about the group current so if anyone needs or would like to know how things are working out they can read about it as it takes place for me.
There has also been so much really sad news of late; the earthquakes in Chile, the suicides of two young men from famous families, the abuse of infants by a very young father...the list could go on, but I think the point is made. There is a lot of bad news in this world and much of it, such as the earthquakes and the aftermath, are beyond the power of humanity to prevent or to cause. It makes me wonder why we, as a species, seem so intent upon creating more grief for ourselves and those who love and need us by behaving in such horrid ways and by doing such inexcusably rotten things when there is so much that nature already throws at us. Isn't there enough pain in just having to survive nature's ravages without any of us adding to the overall burden with destructive or self-destructive behaviors, cruelties, indifference, prejudice, hatred? It's something to think about, isn't it?
The week to come is full of appointments and paperwork; sorting and donating. We work at trying to get all of the extraneous stuff out of the house so that we might, finally, be able to fit in some guests on occasion. It also is going to be a week of more waiting, more worries and more tears. I suppose that we all have weeks like this now and then, but hopefully few and far between.
May your week be sunnier, your family healthier, your joints less stiff and your hair less gray than ours. Blessings.
Izzlebug
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Saying "Good-bye"
Before I begin, I would very much like to apologize for my irreverance of late especially my last posting. I was extremely overtired and stressed and this lessened my control over my natural irreverant streak, hence the toe-dandruff.
With that said and done, we have had some news of my aunt who is still clinging to life, although hovering so close to death every pause in her breathing must cause her family to almost stop breathing as well. Tears and hand-holding should be the order of the day during this time, as well as the retelling of silly and touching family stories and, perhaps, the singing or playing of favorite songs that have been treasured and shared over the years. Just some thoughts, as everyone's and every family's path through this time is uniquely their own, but hopefully a helpful comment for someone somewhere, nonetheless.
My uncle thought she would be gone before this past weekend was done, but my aunt has not yet fully given in to death. She is still able to respond somewhat to her children and I am sure she is still thinking of things she wishes she could be saying to each of them even now. I hope her only daughter knows how special she is and always has been to her mother despite the ups and downs of their relationship - we all go through stuff like that. I hope each of her sons knows how proud they made her and how blessed she has been by the grandchildren each of her children has produced for her and my uncle to love and share with them. Most of all I hope she had the time to tell my uncle, just that one last time, how very much she has loved him.
My dear, dear aunt! I know my presence would be an unwelcomed interruption right now, but please know that my heart and thoughts are with you and your family tonight. I know the time is soon when you will have to let go whether you want to or not. I hope you are able to take a last, very peaceful, breath knowing your job on this earth has been accomplished to the best of your ability, that the love your family holds in their hearts for you will be part of what keeps you alive in your afterlife, and that we will all be OK, although it will take some time for that to be fully realized. It always takes some time.
God bless you, my loving "Auntie Bert" whose wisdom defied educational credentials and whose compassion was determinedly expressed even though it was often difficult, at least that is how it felt sometimes to me. You are one of the wisest people I have ever known and your counsel kept me away from more self-loathing and self-condemnation than I can begin to explain clearly right now.
I also hope that someone has remembered to tell the story of when your eldest was just a little guy and asked his grandfather (?) for a "clear, cool glass of water." It is during times like this that those stories take on the special significance we do not always realize they carry.
I remember when your oldest grandchild was still just the littlest girl, with those crazy-beautiful red curls and running around in her diapers. Her mother and I were standing in the dining room when she gave out the funniest, trilling laugh I have ever heard issue from any child in my life. I wish I could send that laugh to you now to hear; I wish I could send it to her mother, my cousin, to hear again, too. I know its silly, but it seems to me that those are the things, the smallest and most ordinary things from our mutual lives, that bring the most comfort at these difficult, impossible times. They are the things we can still share with each other, even though one of us is dying and the rest grieving.
I love you.
Good-bye, my lovely auntie,
Izzlebug
With that said and done, we have had some news of my aunt who is still clinging to life, although hovering so close to death every pause in her breathing must cause her family to almost stop breathing as well. Tears and hand-holding should be the order of the day during this time, as well as the retelling of silly and touching family stories and, perhaps, the singing or playing of favorite songs that have been treasured and shared over the years. Just some thoughts, as everyone's and every family's path through this time is uniquely their own, but hopefully a helpful comment for someone somewhere, nonetheless.
My uncle thought she would be gone before this past weekend was done, but my aunt has not yet fully given in to death. She is still able to respond somewhat to her children and I am sure she is still thinking of things she wishes she could be saying to each of them even now. I hope her only daughter knows how special she is and always has been to her mother despite the ups and downs of their relationship - we all go through stuff like that. I hope each of her sons knows how proud they made her and how blessed she has been by the grandchildren each of her children has produced for her and my uncle to love and share with them. Most of all I hope she had the time to tell my uncle, just that one last time, how very much she has loved him.
My dear, dear aunt! I know my presence would be an unwelcomed interruption right now, but please know that my heart and thoughts are with you and your family tonight. I know the time is soon when you will have to let go whether you want to or not. I hope you are able to take a last, very peaceful, breath knowing your job on this earth has been accomplished to the best of your ability, that the love your family holds in their hearts for you will be part of what keeps you alive in your afterlife, and that we will all be OK, although it will take some time for that to be fully realized. It always takes some time.
God bless you, my loving "Auntie Bert" whose wisdom defied educational credentials and whose compassion was determinedly expressed even though it was often difficult, at least that is how it felt sometimes to me. You are one of the wisest people I have ever known and your counsel kept me away from more self-loathing and self-condemnation than I can begin to explain clearly right now.
I also hope that someone has remembered to tell the story of when your eldest was just a little guy and asked his grandfather (?) for a "clear, cool glass of water." It is during times like this that those stories take on the special significance we do not always realize they carry.
I remember when your oldest grandchild was still just the littlest girl, with those crazy-beautiful red curls and running around in her diapers. Her mother and I were standing in the dining room when she gave out the funniest, trilling laugh I have ever heard issue from any child in my life. I wish I could send that laugh to you now to hear; I wish I could send it to her mother, my cousin, to hear again, too. I know its silly, but it seems to me that those are the things, the smallest and most ordinary things from our mutual lives, that bring the most comfort at these difficult, impossible times. They are the things we can still share with each other, even though one of us is dying and the rest grieving.
I love you.
Good-bye, my lovely auntie,
Izzlebug
Monday, February 22, 2010
From the Subime to the Ridiculous and Back: Aging and the Battle Against Toe-Dandruff
It greatly comforted me the other day to learn that my grandmother had been just as gray at my age as I have become. It made me feel a little less "old," if that makes any kind of sense to anyone else, and it also made me feel a little more hopeful than I have been for some time. I started thinking about all of the signs of aging we each experience in ways unique to each individual, yet still common to all to a great extent, and I began to wonder about toe-dandruff. Is it rampant or, like my hair that felt prematurely gray, is it something only I and others from a similar gene pool are experiencing as they grow older?
Whatever the case may be, I have decided to wage war against my toe-dandruff and have been stockpiling all of the necessary accoutrements for the war to be waged with as much success as possible. Would it be that I had been this engaged and organized about several other life experiences and perhaps some things would have proven more likely earlier than has been the case (sigh, sigh, sigh).
These seemingly ridiculous thoughts may also have a lot to do with the waiting we are all doing tonight as we have yet to hear anything of my aunt. In the stillness and peace of the evening, a winter's beauty for those so inclined to seek it, I wait and think of her and her family. They are together, that is all they can be right now.
May your waits be less poignant, your thoughts more elevated, and your moments more serene than mine have been tonight, although I think my aunt would have understood about the toe-dandruff.
Izzlebug
Whatever the case may be, I have decided to wage war against my toe-dandruff and have been stockpiling all of the necessary accoutrements for the war to be waged with as much success as possible. Would it be that I had been this engaged and organized about several other life experiences and perhaps some things would have proven more likely earlier than has been the case (sigh, sigh, sigh).
These seemingly ridiculous thoughts may also have a lot to do with the waiting we are all doing tonight as we have yet to hear anything of my aunt. In the stillness and peace of the evening, a winter's beauty for those so inclined to seek it, I wait and think of her and her family. They are together, that is all they can be right now.
May your waits be less poignant, your thoughts more elevated, and your moments more serene than mine have been tonight, although I think my aunt would have understood about the toe-dandruff.
Izzlebug
Thursday, February 18, 2010
A Spiritual Departure
This morning, as I woke up, it felt as though someone, or perhaps more accurately something, had departed from my heart or soul, lessening the burden somehow. It was just the sense of a moment and then it was gone as the cares and concerns of the day began to intrude, but still a more refreshing way to awaken than otherwise could have been the case. I of course wondered if it was possible my poor aunt had passed away just then but, not being "psychic" and all that, I will have to wait to hear either how she is (or is no longer) doing today. The cancer has invaded her brain and caused the vertebrae in her neck to crumble. There is nothing more medical science and compassion can offer. What she has left is the love of her family and their presence as she completes the journey of this life into the next stage of existence, for such it is whatever a person's beliefs may be.
My heart aches for her loss but is also strangely comforted knowing she will no longer have to deal with the devastating results of this horrid disease that has caused her decline and death. She will be truly free from all of the pain and burden the cancer has caused her, finally. That said, I know also that she leaves this life with the regret of having to leave it at all. Mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, she still has so much to experience and look forward to, if only her corporeal being would allow it.
There have been many tears shed and many more will follow in the days to come. I sincerely hope I am able to offer some small margin of comfort and strength to my cousins and uncle who have been, and will continue to be, devastated by the illness and loss of my aunt for quite some time. It is one of life's small miracles that, as we recover from our own losses, we are able to help guide others through theirs if we so choose. I choose.
My cousins will have lost their mother, my uncle his beloved wife, and all of us the love and support my aunt tried to continue giving even through times I am certain she must have felt drained of all positive energy and ability to give, especially following the death of her eldest son, who I hope will be there to give his mother a big hug as she arrives; she will not be alone.
Another of life's small miracles is that, even as we are devastated by yet another loss, our family remains. We endure and survive. A small triumph in the face of our many losses, but still a triumph. We are here, we are together, we survive, and our families with us. It is both a comfort and a fact of life, providing one has yielded sufficient offspring to the environment and one's offspring continue to go and do likewise, but it is still a small miracle considering the intense pain we so often encounter during times of loss and injury or illness.
And so, we wait for news of my aunt. We wait for the pain and tears we know will come, and we try to somehow prepare for what cannot be rehearsed; what will always be an unwelcome shock to our beings no matter how "prepared" we may think we have made ourselves. There will be tears.
I love you, my aunt and my friend. I will miss you greatly. I will always remember what friends you and Mom were and that your friendship endured despite all of the failings and pitfalls so common in extended families. You meant a great deal to my mother and to me. I hope there will be no struggle for you. That your passing will be quiet and peaceful, surrounded by your loved ones, comforted and cradled by their presence.
God bless you and keep you, my darling and loving aunt.
My heart aches for her loss but is also strangely comforted knowing she will no longer have to deal with the devastating results of this horrid disease that has caused her decline and death. She will be truly free from all of the pain and burden the cancer has caused her, finally. That said, I know also that she leaves this life with the regret of having to leave it at all. Mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother, she still has so much to experience and look forward to, if only her corporeal being would allow it.
There have been many tears shed and many more will follow in the days to come. I sincerely hope I am able to offer some small margin of comfort and strength to my cousins and uncle who have been, and will continue to be, devastated by the illness and loss of my aunt for quite some time. It is one of life's small miracles that, as we recover from our own losses, we are able to help guide others through theirs if we so choose. I choose.
My cousins will have lost their mother, my uncle his beloved wife, and all of us the love and support my aunt tried to continue giving even through times I am certain she must have felt drained of all positive energy and ability to give, especially following the death of her eldest son, who I hope will be there to give his mother a big hug as she arrives; she will not be alone.
Another of life's small miracles is that, even as we are devastated by yet another loss, our family remains. We endure and survive. A small triumph in the face of our many losses, but still a triumph. We are here, we are together, we survive, and our families with us. It is both a comfort and a fact of life, providing one has yielded sufficient offspring to the environment and one's offspring continue to go and do likewise, but it is still a small miracle considering the intense pain we so often encounter during times of loss and injury or illness.
And so, we wait for news of my aunt. We wait for the pain and tears we know will come, and we try to somehow prepare for what cannot be rehearsed; what will always be an unwelcome shock to our beings no matter how "prepared" we may think we have made ourselves. There will be tears.
I love you, my aunt and my friend. I will miss you greatly. I will always remember what friends you and Mom were and that your friendship endured despite all of the failings and pitfalls so common in extended families. You meant a great deal to my mother and to me. I hope there will be no struggle for you. That your passing will be quiet and peaceful, surrounded by your loved ones, comforted and cradled by their presence.
God bless you and keep you, my darling and loving aunt.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Life as a Feral Wind
Although there has been some degree of peace and quiet in our lives for awhile - hence the neglect of my theraputic blogging - it looks like the onslaught is gearing up to begin again.
My wonderful grandmother, at the age of 91, is now finally finding certain simple life tasks too difficult and no longer has the strength to continue taking care of certain things that she has fought so hard to maintain for these past several years. Age and frailty are finally taking that from her, too. It is not so much a shock as a sad recognition that, at a time when we will also be losing a beloved aunt to inflammatory breast cancer, we are also losing our stalwart grandmother who has been there our entire collective lives. Her decline may also be, in part, tied in to the decline of my aunt who, as one of my grandmother's daughters-in-law, has been very much a part of her life and her heart; mother of five of her grand children and as much "daughter" as "daughter-in-law." Perhaps we do, eventually, become too old for grief.
Throughout all of this, my poor brother still hovers, fading slowly as much a prisoner to cigarettes and fantasies as ever, but still very much my younger brother whom I love greatly. I don't yet know how he will handle the loss of our grandmother or our aunt, although I don't think he and our aunt were particularly close given the nature of his illness and the loss of her eldest son to suicide. Her family and ours were all very close in age to each other and Mike and my cousin were similar in interests and temperament in some ways.
I can feel that feral wind of life blowing behind me, growing ever louder, demanding attention and sucking everything dry in its path, as is its tendancy during gathering storms such as the one we are approaching yet again. Strangely, although one might think it would be a fetid wind, as well, it is not. Merely one that draws the marrow from your being and chills you through to the heart of your existence so you feel as if you will never be warm again; never feel life or love again. It blows through a soul and leaves a fossilized heart in its wake, one that used to be warm and beating but that now struggles to merely make note of its existence for others to witness.
Such is life and such is the price of growing older - if you survive you must bear the burden for all of those who do not survive with you.
There is the sound of gently falling water in the background, and the night has grown quiet. I think of all those I have loved and lost and all of those I have loved and still have with me and realize I am very blessed. I may not be quite able to explain it right now, but I know with an inborn conviction that it is so.
May we all know how blessed we are; how fortunate to know love.
Izzlebug
My wonderful grandmother, at the age of 91, is now finally finding certain simple life tasks too difficult and no longer has the strength to continue taking care of certain things that she has fought so hard to maintain for these past several years. Age and frailty are finally taking that from her, too. It is not so much a shock as a sad recognition that, at a time when we will also be losing a beloved aunt to inflammatory breast cancer, we are also losing our stalwart grandmother who has been there our entire collective lives. Her decline may also be, in part, tied in to the decline of my aunt who, as one of my grandmother's daughters-in-law, has been very much a part of her life and her heart; mother of five of her grand children and as much "daughter" as "daughter-in-law." Perhaps we do, eventually, become too old for grief.
Throughout all of this, my poor brother still hovers, fading slowly as much a prisoner to cigarettes and fantasies as ever, but still very much my younger brother whom I love greatly. I don't yet know how he will handle the loss of our grandmother or our aunt, although I don't think he and our aunt were particularly close given the nature of his illness and the loss of her eldest son to suicide. Her family and ours were all very close in age to each other and Mike and my cousin were similar in interests and temperament in some ways.
I can feel that feral wind of life blowing behind me, growing ever louder, demanding attention and sucking everything dry in its path, as is its tendancy during gathering storms such as the one we are approaching yet again. Strangely, although one might think it would be a fetid wind, as well, it is not. Merely one that draws the marrow from your being and chills you through to the heart of your existence so you feel as if you will never be warm again; never feel life or love again. It blows through a soul and leaves a fossilized heart in its wake, one that used to be warm and beating but that now struggles to merely make note of its existence for others to witness.
Such is life and such is the price of growing older - if you survive you must bear the burden for all of those who do not survive with you.
There is the sound of gently falling water in the background, and the night has grown quiet. I think of all those I have loved and lost and all of those I have loved and still have with me and realize I am very blessed. I may not be quite able to explain it right now, but I know with an inborn conviction that it is so.
May we all know how blessed we are; how fortunate to know love.
Izzlebug
Saturday, February 13, 2010
Stranger Than Fiction
When I would get really angry - too angry to want to let myself go and yell all the horrid things I was thinking and feeling - I would picture any one of several scenarios I had created in my mind for dealing with such intense emotions and really let loose inside my head. I would scream as loudly as I could without making a sound. As it happens, one of those scenarios involved a dungeon room with a moat full of acid, chains, whips, cat-o-nine-tails, and antique swords and axes, battle pikes and maces. You know, just your normal, everyday torture chamber garb with a little modern tech in the form of a fire hose - for cleaning up afterwards - also included. This was one of the "rooms" in which I dispatched some of my very intense emotions by imagining, in an implausible way, dispatching those who had inspired those emotions within me. (Don't worry, I usually let them walk away - or skulk off - reasonably intact...imagination can be so much fun!)
So wouldn't you know that today I came face to face with a form of my "ragercises" made real. Some pathetic, vicious, waste of skin and space used an "antique axe" to slaughter a four-month-old baby boy and severely injure his mother after having used that same axe on his mentally impaired sister-in-law. It seems that all of the adults survived. The infant did not.
I have never owned, nor wanted to own, an antique battle axe. My tears tonight have been slow and painful; tired, weary, heart-broken. This man's sick and twisted reality has impinged upon the self-therapy that helped me deal with too many emotions that were either inappropriate or inappropriately intense given the realities in my life that seemed to spawn them. As my heart and mind were able to heal I visited these "rooms" less frequently, finding a new peace and calm within myself once the feelings I could not understand had been dealt with and sorted through; filed properly in the correct spaces of my mind.
Have you ever wondered why someone couldn't have just harmed themself instead of others, particularly those unable to defend themselves from such onslaughts? How do we, as a people, deal with such things within the contexts of our individual lives? Usually we just shake our heads and go about our business but, perhaps, we need to pause for a moment and think about this baby, his young mother, and the aftermath of the actions of a man who claims now to remember nothing of the incident.
Dear God!
So wouldn't you know that today I came face to face with a form of my "ragercises" made real. Some pathetic, vicious, waste of skin and space used an "antique axe" to slaughter a four-month-old baby boy and severely injure his mother after having used that same axe on his mentally impaired sister-in-law. It seems that all of the adults survived. The infant did not.
I have never owned, nor wanted to own, an antique battle axe. My tears tonight have been slow and painful; tired, weary, heart-broken. This man's sick and twisted reality has impinged upon the self-therapy that helped me deal with too many emotions that were either inappropriate or inappropriately intense given the realities in my life that seemed to spawn them. As my heart and mind were able to heal I visited these "rooms" less frequently, finding a new peace and calm within myself once the feelings I could not understand had been dealt with and sorted through; filed properly in the correct spaces of my mind.
Have you ever wondered why someone couldn't have just harmed themself instead of others, particularly those unable to defend themselves from such onslaughts? How do we, as a people, deal with such things within the contexts of our individual lives? Usually we just shake our heads and go about our business but, perhaps, we need to pause for a moment and think about this baby, his young mother, and the aftermath of the actions of a man who claims now to remember nothing of the incident.
Dear God!
Monday, January 11, 2010
So Many Plans!
I am still alive, for those who may be wondering. I got lazy, then I got busy, then I got lazy again. That is usually what happens when I try to get too ambitious about things I want to do with my blog, or any other project for that matter. But, here I am, back at it and hoping to do at least a little better this year than in the last.
For an update on the Arizona story, I flew back out to Arizona and about ten minutes after my sister and her significant other picked me up at the airport and we were in line at the exit for Tuscon (in very heavy evening traffic, by the way) my sister's cell phone rang and it was the Cochise County Sheriff's Office calling to cancel the search due to a scheduling glitch! Her boyfriend pulled us out of that line of traffic so fast we both knew he was making only a token effort at interest in our grandmother's current whereabouts, but we forgave him over a very nice meal and comfy beds at a much earlier hour than we had all originally anticipated. It was a nice little vacation after my initial vacation, but I did not plan on going out yet again in December at the newly rescheduled time, which was just as well because THAT was also canceled due to unusually inclement weather conditions and may, finally, take place in February - maybe. My sister will let me know what's happening as soon as she finds out.
We also had a very nice holiday season, given the circumstances of our last several holiday seasons prior to this one, and I actually managed to get just about everything wrapped and delivered on time with only a very few exceptions. For me this is stupendous! However, now in the new year, we are awaiting tests and the results for another family member (other than myself) to see if they have anything ultra-wrong going on with their health (damn!). We are all still here and still together, those of us left, and we continue on with life and loving despite our multitude of setbacks and losses over the past several years. This year definitely was better!
It was also good to hear from an old friend who I met more than thirty years ago and who has, in that time has gotten married, given birth to - and then raised - five children, and still manages, with the help of her spouse, to send out a yearly Christmas letter and photograph. It still amazes me to see her standing there amongst those five full-grown adults and to realize I have watched them all (metaphorically speaking) come into being and grow up along with their parents. It hardly seems possible, yet the evidence is irrefutable. Perhaps, had I raised a brood of my own, it would not feel so surreal. They are all healthy, good-looking young people with incredible determination and drive, much like their parents. Excuse me while I give my head a shake just to get my brain to settle back down again.
Our adventures and projects seem so small in light of the lives of so many of our friends and family, but they are ours and it keeps us busy and out of everyone else's hair. Speaking of which, I actually have some, finally! It is growing back more slowly than I like, but it is growing back! Hooray!
We have been sorting and clearing a lot of stuff out of the house to help make room. It is a little discouraging in that it has yet to look like we have made much headway, but we plan to keep at it until it does look that way. We have made several donations to a local thrift store that supports a no-kill animal shelter, as well as to a church whose pastor, and some of his family and parishoners, really helped us out when Patty was so sick, after she died, when we were trying to close up her house and get things in order, and after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was going into the hospital for what turned into three major surgeries in addition to the chemo (which was fairly mild, considering it was chemo).
I had overpurchased Christmas wrapping paper and such following Patty's death and during a depression that was far more intense than I realized at the time. As we got through stuff I found I recognized all of it but, at the time I was buying it, had had no conception of the actual amount of paper goods I was accumulating. I suppose it was one of the least expensive ways to express a depression - the bargain hunter in me is too strong to give in to full priced wrapping paper! - but it was an incredible amount of stuff. At least the church will be able to make use of it and distribute it to those who may not be able to afford any of these things for themselves during the next (several) holiday seasons. And my sweetie-pie gets a tax receipt to boot.
There is still so much stuff to go through and get rid of, fortunately there is no shortage of places where donations of this type of overflow are very welcomed and actually useful, unlike the place the stuff holds in our house; inert and in the way!
I suppose we are the proper age for the "empty-nester" behaviors I have heard about - mostly the decluttering activities and such, but it seems like we have filled our nest with things instead of little birds and that makes me feel a little lonely knowing I will never be a grandmother, never hold a child of my own, never experience the joy I have seen in so many parents lives when their children blossom and succeed in life's pursuits. I am very grateful for what I have, but I can still see what I had always dreamed of while a young woman still sliding away from me in the distance and sometimes it still hurts.
So, here's to a year without cancer, without wars, and without hatred and prejudice. May it be so.
Izzlebug
For an update on the Arizona story, I flew back out to Arizona and about ten minutes after my sister and her significant other picked me up at the airport and we were in line at the exit for Tuscon (in very heavy evening traffic, by the way) my sister's cell phone rang and it was the Cochise County Sheriff's Office calling to cancel the search due to a scheduling glitch! Her boyfriend pulled us out of that line of traffic so fast we both knew he was making only a token effort at interest in our grandmother's current whereabouts, but we forgave him over a very nice meal and comfy beds at a much earlier hour than we had all originally anticipated. It was a nice little vacation after my initial vacation, but I did not plan on going out yet again in December at the newly rescheduled time, which was just as well because THAT was also canceled due to unusually inclement weather conditions and may, finally, take place in February - maybe. My sister will let me know what's happening as soon as she finds out.
We also had a very nice holiday season, given the circumstances of our last several holiday seasons prior to this one, and I actually managed to get just about everything wrapped and delivered on time with only a very few exceptions. For me this is stupendous! However, now in the new year, we are awaiting tests and the results for another family member (other than myself) to see if they have anything ultra-wrong going on with their health (damn!). We are all still here and still together, those of us left, and we continue on with life and loving despite our multitude of setbacks and losses over the past several years. This year definitely was better!
It was also good to hear from an old friend who I met more than thirty years ago and who has, in that time has gotten married, given birth to - and then raised - five children, and still manages, with the help of her spouse, to send out a yearly Christmas letter and photograph. It still amazes me to see her standing there amongst those five full-grown adults and to realize I have watched them all (metaphorically speaking) come into being and grow up along with their parents. It hardly seems possible, yet the evidence is irrefutable. Perhaps, had I raised a brood of my own, it would not feel so surreal. They are all healthy, good-looking young people with incredible determination and drive, much like their parents. Excuse me while I give my head a shake just to get my brain to settle back down again.
Our adventures and projects seem so small in light of the lives of so many of our friends and family, but they are ours and it keeps us busy and out of everyone else's hair. Speaking of which, I actually have some, finally! It is growing back more slowly than I like, but it is growing back! Hooray!
We have been sorting and clearing a lot of stuff out of the house to help make room. It is a little discouraging in that it has yet to look like we have made much headway, but we plan to keep at it until it does look that way. We have made several donations to a local thrift store that supports a no-kill animal shelter, as well as to a church whose pastor, and some of his family and parishoners, really helped us out when Patty was so sick, after she died, when we were trying to close up her house and get things in order, and after I was diagnosed with breast cancer and was going into the hospital for what turned into three major surgeries in addition to the chemo (which was fairly mild, considering it was chemo).
I had overpurchased Christmas wrapping paper and such following Patty's death and during a depression that was far more intense than I realized at the time. As we got through stuff I found I recognized all of it but, at the time I was buying it, had had no conception of the actual amount of paper goods I was accumulating. I suppose it was one of the least expensive ways to express a depression - the bargain hunter in me is too strong to give in to full priced wrapping paper! - but it was an incredible amount of stuff. At least the church will be able to make use of it and distribute it to those who may not be able to afford any of these things for themselves during the next (several) holiday seasons. And my sweetie-pie gets a tax receipt to boot.
There is still so much stuff to go through and get rid of, fortunately there is no shortage of places where donations of this type of overflow are very welcomed and actually useful, unlike the place the stuff holds in our house; inert and in the way!
I suppose we are the proper age for the "empty-nester" behaviors I have heard about - mostly the decluttering activities and such, but it seems like we have filled our nest with things instead of little birds and that makes me feel a little lonely knowing I will never be a grandmother, never hold a child of my own, never experience the joy I have seen in so many parents lives when their children blossom and succeed in life's pursuits. I am very grateful for what I have, but I can still see what I had always dreamed of while a young woman still sliding away from me in the distance and sometimes it still hurts.
So, here's to a year without cancer, without wars, and without hatred and prejudice. May it be so.
Izzlebug
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